Saturday, December 10, 2005

Being a new mom is hard. People say it is hard, but you really don't "get it" until you are actually one. I feel so bad for her when she is screaming with all the gas pains. It makes me cry because I can't help her.

I have had such highs and lows regarding motherhood in this first month. I can't believe such a beautiful little girl came out of me. I just stare at her when she sleeps. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I am just in complete awe at her beauty. I love it when I am holding her in my arms and she just stares back at me like she knows me. I swear she is starting to smile...but then again, she has a lot of gas.

I was able to breastfeed for a total of about 3 weeks. I am dissappointed that I couldn't do it a little bit longer, but then I think about it...I am lucky that I was able to at all. My tumor doesn't seem to be an issue at this time. I'll let you know the REAL deal once I go back to the doctor for my next MRI. And switching her to formula was the best for her. She was supplemented from hour one of her life. Her blood sugar issues were so up and down in the beginning. She only started to gain weight once she was on formula 80% of the time. Stopping breastfeeding was the best thing for her, so I can make myself feel better about that.

And why is she only gassy and fussy and screaming when her Daddy is at work??? It's like she's already decided to only be good for Daddy! It's very frustrating when John is at work for 48 hours + at a time. I still need his help.

My other "low" is not being able to stay at home with her. To put it honestly, I feel like a horrible mother for not being able to and words cannot even describe the extreme jealousy I have for those that get to stay at home with their little ones. There is no way I can talk myself into feeling better about this one. Her father is barely home now as it is and then I am going to leave her in 3 short weeks. She's going to be left with people other than her Mommy and Daddy. What is that like for such a little thing that has only known the comfort that her parents can give? What if all of her important milestones happen when someone else is there and not me?

I need more time to get into a routine and to learn more Mommy things, but I'd give up all the nice things we have just to be with her all day. I'd do anything to be a SAHM.

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