My niece, the little piggy 

An uncomfortable looking family shot on Christmas Eve. 

I really need to update this more. That's the whole point of this right? To get my thoughts out on a daily (or every other day) basis.

Anyway...what's on my mind today?

I am sick with some awful painful chest congestion. I woke up on Christmas Day with a sore throat and it has just gotten worse every day. My poor little Caroline has a bit of it too. It sucks to hear her so congested and she really can't take anything yet.

I go back to work on Tuesday and I don't want to. I just found out half the department will be gone and all this extra work will be piled on my desk. My desk that is a mess b/c apparently some people were grazing some office supplies left out. My printer is unplugged and sitting on the other side of my cube and it just looks horrible. At least it did when I went to visit and show off the girl a couple of weeks ago. Another reason why I don't want to go back is John. He informed me the other day that he didn't plan on ever going anywhere with her. At all. WTF? She needs to be out of the house and get fresh air and see new things. It really pissed me off. Do I really want my daughter to be just pushed aside and stuck in the house all day while Daddy looks at porn? Nope. Another thing, he hardly ever changes her diaper in the middle of the night b/c HE IS TOO TIRED! What a reason! It's not about him. It is about our daughter lying in pee all night. Poor girl. What if I come home to him rushing to hide the computer history and her in the diaper from the morning? I can picture it now...

I think I have that Mommy knows best outlook. I was telling him to do something the other day and he said, "I'm just a really bad Dad." I know he isn't. He just needs to take initiative and BE one. Or let me stay home and all will be well.

Merry Christmas from Caroline Nicole! 

I have things to do today and of course John is at work. We, for some reason, have not wrapped any gifts yet. By "we," I mean me, or so I have been told been told by the good ole DH. Thanks for the help buddy. I hate wrapping gifts. I suck at it and we don't have enough bags.

Today, I will attempt to make the Magical Mint cookies posted on the Snark by JJ or EE, I don't remember. Tomorrow I will make a cherry pie before we leave for Mom and Dad's. I also have some laundry to do. I just got spit up on 3 times. I hope spit up doesn't stain b/c that would SUCK! During all of this, I will attempt to keep Caroline up and to nap for no more than 3 hours at a time. She's gotta start sleeping better at night.

Maybe I can get Aunt Laura to come over tonight.

And could I post about more pointless things? Probably.

I don't know how I'm going to do it when I go back to work. I will be exhausted and I am sure there will be days that I won't even shower before going in. I hate that. I feel stinky and just plain nasty.

Must go be a Mommy. Caroline is smelling not so fresh.

No more pictures please!!! 

I went to the doctor today and guess what? I had high blood pressure. Sigh...it was most likely because of the massive headache I had since about 5pm yesterday and woke up with this morning, but she was still concerned. Concerned enough that I have to see my endocrinologist BEFORE I go back to work and get another MRI. She also said if I couldn't get in before I go back to work, I may need more time off. Joy.

I also scheduled my next appointment for April and my doctor laughed at me and said I was going to be pregnant again before that. I cursed her and called her evil. She again laughed as she was writing "Declined birth control" in my chart. Am I really asking for it?? I would be blessed to be pregnant again, but not so soon. I did not enjoy it at all.

I'd like to send a big "thanks" to Chong b/c I can't get that damn Chronic (what?)cles of Narnia out of my head. THANKS!!! (*note sarcasm*)

And now I am off to hold Caroline b/c she is crying again!! She just really wants to be held the past 2 days...John noticed it too. I hope she doesn't have an ear infection or anything. She is kind of stuffy and coughing and sneezing. Maybe it is just a little cold.

"How is my baby doing?"

I'm fine Mom. Thank you for asking. I KNOW that she is asking about Caroline, but you know what? I hate that she calls her MY baby or MY girl. She's not yours. She's MINE!!!! I know that she is happy and everything and loves her new grandbaby, but still!!!

OK. Enough of that.

Sadly, my husband has discovered that I have a blog. He probably reads it now, so I can't bitch about him too much. Or maybe I can bitch and it would help him understand the issues at hand??? Possibly? Probably not.

I have my official six week PP appointment tomorrow. Great. I'm sure it will just be about how I can get pregnant now and be expecting my period. Fun times. The big question is...when do we want to have the next one and will it be a year and half trial again??

And speaking of the year and a half to get Baby Caroline...my Mom calls her a miracle baby. So does my friend Monica. Is she really? My mom also called her a Christmas Angel last night too. John laughed at her and said that she is more like a Thanksgiving Angel, but I guess it doesn't sound as good. If we are giving her names like that, wouldn't she be the "Roto Rooter Baby?" She was conceived b/c I got my tubes cleaned out. It just doesn't sound as cute does it?

Some things about me (number to be determined later)

1. I saw this on JJ's blog and I thought I'd copy.
2. My middle name is Beth.
3. I have lived in Ohio, Rhode Island, Oklahoma and Texas and this was all before I was in the 4th grade.
4. I am Catholic.
5. I have more internet friends than real life friends.
6. I am still considered a freshman in college.
7. I failed swimming at the local community college. I never went to class.
8. At this time, I wear size 18 jeans and it kind of depresses me even though I have a reason.
9. I don't trust my husband 80% of the time.
10. My best friend is my sister.
11. I have a birthmark on my right pointer finger with a mole exactly in the middle of it.
12. I haven't had sex since October. That is a long freaking time.
13. I lettered in volleyball, Student Council, and National Honor Society in high school. I know... I'm kewl. :)
14. I've slept with more than 25 men.
15. I've never smoked pot or done any other illegal drug.
16. I'm terrified my daughter will turn out like me and then marry someone like her father. She doesn't need the drama.
17. The dog has been annoying the heck out of me since we brought Caroline home.
18. My childhood dog, Toby, is going to die soon and I am worried how my sister will take it.
19. My favorite movie is Pretty Woman, followed closely by Dazed and Confused.
20. I'm still in my PJ's and it is 2:00 in the afternoon.
21. I am an anal slob. Is there such a thing??
22. My house is a mess and I really don't care. I hate to dust.
23. We stopped paying our Citibank credit card bill last March.
24. My credit is shot since I got married.
25. I've had 4 cars since I met John.
26. I am one of the biggest snobs I know.
27. I wish my sister would stand up for herself more. She's tough, but doesn't show it enough.
28. I know nothing about being a mom and I am pretty much flying by the seat of my pants right now.
29. I hate it when my MIL gives me "advice" on parenting and then doesn't support my daughter's neck. It pisses me off.
30. I'm going to drink a beer tonight. I hope it is icy cold, b/c that's the only way I like it.

I guess it ended up being 30 things. Maybe I will think of more later.

Life is tough.

Last night I went out for the first time and away from my precious little girl. I could say I didn't cry, but I would be lying b/c I teared up and Laura & John made fun of me. Laura & I went to TGIFriday's (and put it on blast) and then to go see RENT!! Jack Daniels Seasame Chicken Strips for dinner (good) and a big ass Mudslide to drink (V. GOOD!!). RENT was OK. I give it a 3 out of 5. It was weird to listen to them just say some lines and the songs were sometimes out of order. Oh and they obviously recorded the singing elsewhere and just "matched" it to their mouths. It was badly "matched." Two things about it...1) Jesse L. Martin-I love you!! and 2) Rosario Dawson-pls don't sing anymore. I am not impressed.

I came home to a darkened house and a semi-awake husband and about 15 minutes of sleeping baby. Then I didn't get to bed until 4 am. Lovely. John got up with her around 430 b/c she wouldn't stop fussing and I just wanted to lay in my own bed!!!! He left for work about an hour later and she woke up an hour after that. We snoozed in my bed until 1100. I swear she sleeps so sweetly when she is with me.

As always, I end my post with "I should probably take a shower, but I really don't wanna."

Oh and my next post will not be about baby...I hope.

The Fireman's Daughter 

Sometimes it hurts to get it out... 

After much thought, we decided on what to do with "daycare." A friend of mine recommended a lady that lives about a mile away for in home care. She has a drop in rate that is VERY good, so we decided to use her on the days that John works. The following day, I will drop her off next door for an hour or two until John gets home from the station. He "quit" his second job. Kind of. He will still occasionally work PRN (as needed) on some overnight shifts.

He called me today and said he's beginning to think it was a bad idea for him to give up those hours and the $$. He is all about the money. I told him that I think it is best what we are doing b/c at least one of us needs to be with her. This is an important time in her life. He came back with paying the bills off earlier, me being able to stay at home sooner, blah blah blah. I flat out told him that I would give up everything material that we own just to be at home with her. That shut him up. He was quiet for a long time and then said, "That was deep."

Stupid bills. God I want to stay at home. This sucks.

In other news...she slept from 2am until around 9 am and then fell back asleep at 945am. It is now 1120am. She must be tired. Oh and I think she may have reflux or something. She slept so much better at an angle.

I should probably go take a shower, but I really don't want to.

Happy 1 month Birthday!!! 

Being a new mom is hard. People say it is hard, but you really don't "get it" until you are actually one. I feel so bad for her when she is screaming with all the gas pains. It makes me cry because I can't help her.

I have had such highs and lows regarding motherhood in this first month. I can't believe such a beautiful little girl came out of me. I just stare at her when she sleeps. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I am just in complete awe at her beauty. I love it when I am holding her in my arms and she just stares back at me like she knows me. I swear she is starting to smile...but then again, she has a lot of gas.

I was able to breastfeed for a total of about 3 weeks. I am dissappointed that I couldn't do it a little bit longer, but then I think about it...I am lucky that I was able to at all. My tumor doesn't seem to be an issue at this time. I'll let you know the REAL deal once I go back to the doctor for my next MRI. And switching her to formula was the best for her. She was supplemented from hour one of her life. Her blood sugar issues were so up and down in the beginning. She only started to gain weight once she was on formula 80% of the time. Stopping breastfeeding was the best thing for her, so I can make myself feel better about that.

And why is she only gassy and fussy and screaming when her Daddy is at work??? It's like she's already decided to only be good for Daddy! It's very frustrating when John is at work for 48 hours + at a time. I still need his help.

My other "low" is not being able to stay at home with her. To put it honestly, I feel like a horrible mother for not being able to and words cannot even describe the extreme jealousy I have for those that get to stay at home with their little ones. There is no way I can talk myself into feeling better about this one. Her father is barely home now as it is and then I am going to leave her in 3 short weeks. She's going to be left with people other than her Mommy and Daddy. What is that like for such a little thing that has only known the comfort that her parents can give? What if all of her important milestones happen when someone else is there and not me?

I need more time to get into a routine and to learn more Mommy things, but I'd give up all the nice things we have just to be with her all day. I'd do anything to be a SAHM.

Compare...this is me 

Miss Caroline-Day 2-The ONLY time she has ever looked like me

We went to visit my parents on Sunday night and my Mom said something that made me think. She was just staring at Caroline and kissing her face. She looked at me and asked me if I knew what that little girl does to her. My smartass self replied, "Cry?" She just looked at her and basically said that she makes her feel calm and happy. Caroline is apparently the therapy that my Mom has needed SO BADLY since Gramps died. He died almost 3 years ago and she has been so unhappy, so sad, and so constantly stressed. Dad, Laura, and I wanted her to go talk to someone, but she wouldn't do it. So, even though she annoys the crap out of me and I am sure I will complain about it many other times, I will put up with the staring and crying, and the insanely shoot me in the head annoying baby talk voice because Caroline is soothing her Grandma's troubled heart.

Santa!! I know him! 

First-let me pat myself on the back. Items 1,2, and 4 on my list of things to do yesterday...CHECK!!!

I brought Miss Caroline up to work yesterday to show her off. During that time, she smiled and smiled in her sleep. She must have peed a ton in that short time b/c that was one of the heaviest diapers I have ever changed!!! Speaking of smiles, I swear she smiled at me this morning. WTETFY says it is a possibility. I like to think my child is extra advanced. She does have wrinkles on her forehead. :) Right now she is sitting in front of the window working on her tan. I would like for her to stay up more during the day instead of the middle of the night when Mommy needs her beauty sleep. I also put some wrist rattles on her. She keeps holding her arms straight up as if she is saying, "WTF??" Anyway, back to work...everyone loved her and said she looks like John. She does. Poor girl! I also LOVE (please note sarcasm here) to get told what to do with my child by someone who doesn't even have kids!!!!! STFU!! I realize that you should cut a baby's nails to keep them from scratching themselves. I am not ready to do that, so I am filing them. It works just fine. And you know what else??? I will cover her up with the blanket right before we go outside. She doesn't need it over her yet. Maybe she wants to look at the fabulousness that IS the office!!! Stupid people. Just tell me my kid is beautiful and keep your advice to yourself. Unless of course I ask for it.

And in non-baby related news...um....lets see....oh yeah...I think I may have to have some sex soon. Not looking forward to it.

Today's quote from me...(from the Kissy archives)
"Je je-It's the typo that became a phenomenon"

The love of my life 

I originally started a blog right when I found out I was pregnant. I thought it would be a cool way to keep everyone informed...I did it for about 3 weeks and then deleted it. As with everything in my life, I got bored with it. SO, we will see how this goes THIS TIME, b/c I think that I will be needing an "outlet." By "outlet," I mean 'a place to complain and whine.' I hope that this blog is going to more than that. My friends say it is theraputic.

Today...my goals are as follows:
1. Take a shower before 10 am
2. Go visit my work and show off the baby
3. Go to the DMV to get the address on my license changed after 3 years and hope that they don't take a picture.
4. Make a list of people the Christmas card is going out to and begin addressing them.

Good Luck to me. Caroline is sleeping and I probably should go take a shower now, but I won't. Sadly, I have an internet addiction that will keep me here.

Kimberly's quote for the day:
"Being a mommy = not sleeping."