Long time no read

I was inspired to do a google search a la Carolyn and came to a sad conclusion. I talk about nothing cool. But these things did come up:

Caroline Kraddick
People!! You will NOT see a picture of Kidd Kraddick's daughter here! My daughter's name is Caroline.
hock a lugee
Still wondering about the correct spelling
farrell homemade
PORN!

And now onto this month's topics....

Positive pregnancy tests. I hate them. I really feel defective. Whenever anyone (read: everyone) asks when we are having another baby they always make the statement, "It's easier to get pregnant the second time." Really? Don't think so. I have not been on birth control AT ALL and we used a condom maybe once when Caroline was 3 months or so. I get a postive pregnancy test and the next day it is negative. Just call me the queen of chemical pregnancies. It really made me think about having another baby though. I am back and forth on that one.

Friends. I have very few IRL here in Texas. I have my sister of course, Corie, Joanna (YAY!!) and many many "close acquaintances." I have my Snarks, but lately I don't feel like a part of the group anymore. It's not like it used to be and that is mostly because I am hardly on anymore. It sucks.

Teeth. Why does Caroline still only have 2? And why do my teeth not look so sparkly white? I don't even smoke anymore. OK, most of the time I don't smoke. I have been known to light up for special occasions, like drinking.

Zitty and fat. That's how I would describe myself right now. I'm miserable. The self esteem may be at an all time low.

Tommy. HA! I haven't taken my meds in almost 2 months. The doctor's office won't refill my script until I come in and I need my MRI and bloodwork to have a real visit. Can't afford it! My lack of meds is really starting to show too. I feel very slow and say the stupidest things lately. That's what happens. Maybe that explains the fat???

OK. I think I'm done.

Oh yeah, P.S. We buried our Grandma this past weekend. Laura and I had never been there before and got to see where our Grandpa (who we never met) was buried. We got to see family we hadn't seen since before either of us was married too.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!

A couple of days late in blog world, but we've been busy.

My baby girl turned one last week. She's not a baby anymore. She's a TODDLER!! She is wobble walking all over the place and getting better everyday! One day soon, I promise to catch it on video and post it.

Cake, specifically the frosting part, is a big hit at our house.



I am amazed at how much she has changed in the past week. The walking, her ability to communicate, everything. She is waving bye bye and hello all the time now and not being shy like before. She gives me kisses all the time. I love it! Just today, I was getting ready to leave for lunch and waving bye bye to her. She started to cry and crawl towards me, stopped and waved at John and turned back around to crawl to me. She was going to go with me and not stay with her Daddy! It was hilarious! When she passes the pictures in the hallway, she looks and points at them EVERY TIME!!

1 year stats:
23lbs. 14 oz. (75-90 percentile)
30 3/4 in. tall (90 percentile)

Happy Birthday to my BIG GIRL!!! I love you Miss Caroline!

Here it is! It's what you've been waiting for!

A post. A simple post to say Hello to my husband who checks this daily to find out what I say about him.

Hello!

Happy now?

P.S. For all you non-husband readers, Caroline said Mama. I don't know if she associates it with me, but I don't care. MAMA! Best word in the world!

Things I love about my Sweet Caroline

*Walking through the door and seeing my baby girl smile as she recognizes me.

*Holding her when she falls asleep after drinking her bedtime bottle. I love the heaviness of her tired little body.

*Listening to her babble and hearing the occasional Dada and sometimes Mama.

*Pigtails! (And the more popular and easier to do ponytail too!)

*Listening to her laugh at the silly dog.

*Playing peekaboo.

*Sneaking in at night to watch her sleep...with her butt up in the air.

*Seeing the pure adoration that she has for her Daddy. He is her world. I can't even explain how much she lights up when I ask "Where's Dada?" and she looks at him.

And my most favorite thing right now...

*Sweet little baby kisses! (when she'll give them of course)

It's been five years since 9/11. I was at work that day at the doctor's other office. I was by myself and there was no TV. I was listening to Kidd Kraddick in the morning and trying desperately to get something on the internet, but it was slow b/c so many people were trying to do the same. I was worried about my cousins who lived in DC. My uncle was in midair and had to land immediately. I got a hold of my Dad and we both just cried. John and I weren't married yet and had only been engaged about a month. I remember calling him and he was desperate to go up there and help. It amazes me everyday that I have one of those heroes that will run into a burning building and help.

As I held my daughter close and watched the recap on the news on Monday, all I want to do is protect her. What happened on 9/11 was a horrific moment in American history and I support ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that can and will prevent this from happening again in our lifetime and possibly to my child.

God Bless America. We are lucky to have freedom of speech and so many other things that some just don't seem to appreciate. I have read what I consider to be loads of bullshit the past couple of days and I try not to comment on it, but I can't help myself right now. I want to get in someone's face and yell, "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? HOW DARE YOU!"

As I sit here typing...

*My child is hitting the baby gate and yelling at it..."Let me out!"
*My husband is in the kitchen studying for his Officer I class.
*My dog is probably pouting somewhere.
*I hear thunder!!! Does this mean rain?? Please let it mean rain!
*My baby sister is probably preparing for tomorrow, which is the first day of her third year as a first grade teacher.
*Miss Thang just started fussing...now she wants to type.

cbhmfnjrfmf,g,.gx k ,, x/// vgvv

Caroline Nicole was here!


As I sit here typing, I wonder what lies ahead for our little family...

And as I sit here typing, I miss my Snarkie girls so much more than words can describe!

Congratulations Melissa!!
I miss you Holly!!
I want to meet Baby Moo!

Dude-It's been almost a month!

It's been almost a month since I last posted. What have I done in that time you ask? I've worked. I've even worked the dreaded overtime. Not so much that it sucks, but just enough to make your househusband a little bit pissy when you get home at 7:15pm.

Also, I haven't been taking my medicine like I should. *holding out hand for a slap* Believe me, I'm getting it. My hair started falling out again, I can't stand to have J touch me, the moods are up and down, I'm forgetting a lot, and the other day there was the tiniest bit of fluid leaking out of the girls. Oh and don't forget the headaches. It was so bad yesterday that I pulled the brain tumor card at work with someone. I hadn't broadcast that news at the new job. I figured it wasn't really necessary. J and I discussed it and I am going to be super diligent about taking my medicine for the next couple weeks and THEN I will go get my MRI and bloodwork that I was supposed to get last month. Tommy the Tumor has been controlled with medication well in the past so if that is what it is, we will handle it!

In other tumor news, I was reading Predator by Patricia Cornwell the other day. Guess what? Lucy has a macroadenoma!!!! That is a bigger version of what I have. (12mm vs 7mm at Tommy's biggest) I kind of got a kick out of it because, well, you just don't hear about them that much. At that point I decided that Grey's Anatomy should have Dr. Shepherd do brain surgery on someone with a pit tumor. I wonder who I should write with my idea??

You meme, I meme, we all meme

7 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Go to Paris
2. Take my daughter to Disneyworld
3. Go back to school
4. Learn to sing
5. Have another baby
6. Have a not so dramatic year
7. Become a stay at home mom

7 THINGS I CAN'T DO
1. Sing
2. Not be moody
3. Eat mac and cheese
4. Drive a stick shift
5. Think of 3 more things

7 THINGS THAT ATTRACTED ME TO MY PARTNER
1. He makes me laugh
2. Big blue eyes
3. Such a cute butt
4. Man in uniform-need I say more?
5. See #4
6. See #4
7. See #4

7 BOOKS I READ OVER AND OVER
1. Little Earthquakes
2. The Devil Wears Prada
3. Jemima J
4. All of the Left Behind series
5. She's Come Undone
6. I Know This Much Is True
7. Good In Bed

7 MOVIES THAT I LOVE
1. Pretty Woman and basically anything with Julia Roberts in it (except maybe Hook)
2. Little Mermaid
3. Friday Night Lights (Tim in boxers!!)
4. Dazed and Confused
5. The Wedding Planner
6. Armageddon
7. My sonogram video

Alright-who is left???

An update

Hi. Still alive. Still tired. Still the same Kissy, except without that extra punch.

Seriously though, everything is about the same in my world. I am working, coming home, playing with the Cookie, putting her to bed, and occasionally talking to the hubby, then going to bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I know-YOU CAN'T STAND THE EXCITEMENT!

I need to sit down and make a list of things to blog about.

It's already been one year

I really don't know what else to say that has not already been said so many times before. Just know that our thoughts are with you and your family Brandi. I pray that justice will soon be served to those responsible.

Things that make you go Yum

*Hot fudge
*Atlanta Bread Company
*Clean baby
*Thin crust cheese pizza from Pizza Hut
*Tim McGraw
*Men in uniform
*Bailey's on ice

These are in no particular order.

Now I am hungry.

Thank you

Nothing like kind words from wonderful friends to help you realize that life is not that bad.

I truly love you guys. You don't know how much my days feel empty without you.

I'm depressed

I really think I am...again.

I am fat. Before you think it or post it-yes, I had a baby almost 7 months ago. That is a long time. I should have lost some weight by now, but I haven't. Not a single pound since my 6week PP appt. My belly is literally a jello like blob. I can't look cute in anything. I just look like the fat girl that people feel like they have to be nice to because "she is trying." Either that, or they were drunk.

I have no desire to do anything. That is why I am fat. I'm tired. I don't want to work out. And when the fock am I supposed to? I work from 8 to 5. From 5(ish) until 8:30, I spend time with my daughter. I get up at 6 and go to bed anywhere between 9:30 and midnight. When I can actually fall asleep, I try to get the most out of it. I have had to take my sleeping pills a lot lately. I just can't get my head to stop.

My face is a zit minefield. Ever since I had Caroline, every month I have zits. I wash my face more religiously than I did before. Still have nasty zits. They come at the best times too. Always when there is something to do and something to try and look nice at.

My hair is just blah. It is the best color ever though, so I probably can't complain about that.

My marriage is shit. I'm not going to go into it, but I want to cry everyday. I love him though. And no, he is not hitting me. He would never ever do that.

I hate my new job. The people that are supposed to be training me are always too busy when I have questions and my assistant manager is a bitch. She is pregnant, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to cry today. I wanted to quit today. I don't know if it because of the people or because I want to stay at home so bad.

Obviously I have no self esteem. That is most likely my problem. I would give almost anything to get a compliment from someone. I just want to feel like someone actually gives a shit about me and finds me attractive. OK, I'll be honest, I wish a man would pay attention to me.

I think I'm going to go stare at my daughter sleeping. She makes me happy.

Humph. Just got off the phone with the hubby and managed to hysterically cry for a couple minutes and tell him how much I hate my life. He must feel really good. Real life sucks ass. When did it all of a sudden get so hard and so unbelievably sad?

Hi! Remember me?

Yes, I am alive. I am so freaking busy. And tired. God, I am so tired.

I am neglecting pretty much everything and almost everyone in my life right now. I don't get to snark with my girls anymore b/c I don't have access at work. It' s not like I would have time anyway. I don't talk to my sister everyday anymore and I am about a week behind on TV right now. Tonight I was trying to look at some very important things on the internet and J yelled at me b/c he had Caroline all day and I was playing on the computer!! A-hole-ish! I was researching rental cars, baby gifts, and wedding gifts. Sorry! Shit needs to get done!

(Did my blog just become R-rated b/c I said shit? Ooops!!)

This entry sucks, so let me make it worth your while. Here is a link to a really cute kid (that is not mine) on The Random Muse blog. Scroll down. Don't you just want to kiss on him???

Mmmmm...carrots... 

I beg for it everyday

I literally beg J to let me be a SAHM. I know that it is not possible, yet I still bring it up. ALL. THE. TIME. I am utterly exhausted on the weekends when he is not home and it is just me and I was completely exhausted during my week between jobs, but I want it. I want it so bad I cry about it when J isn't home. Last week he asked me to stop bringing it up. I told him that it wasn't possible.

My new job is going to require overtime and a lot of it during the first 4 days of the month. I honestly don't care. I got home at 7pm one night last week and I barely had enough time to eat a little bit of dinner, feed Caroline, give her a bath, and then put her to bed. I called J around 5:45 and told him to go ahead and make himself dinner and she was crying in the background. I started crying. On "normal" days, I only get to spend about 2.5 hours loving on those chubby cheeks when I get home. It's not enough. I mentioned it at work and my co-worker said that the guilt was there no matter how old they are. She has a 5 year old and she stayed at work until 8pm two nights in a row. No way I am going to do that. Family comes FIRST-ALWAYS. My Dad says that it is just 4 days and at least it is not everyday. He has a point, but it still doesn't matter. She is my world. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't want to miss the next big thing happening!!! What if she rolls over and I'm not there? What if she sits up for more than 3 seconds before falling over and I don't see it? No matter how I try to wrap my head around it, I can't justify it. I'll work my 8 hours and complain the whole damn time, but anytime after that has to be spent with my family. I'm a mother and a wife first. Everything else comes after that and doesn't mean half as much.

I wish I was able to work at home. I wish I had some sort of talent, like writing that would let me be here and still make some money. I wish that firefighters made more money. Putting your life on the line is worth SO MUCH MORE than what they are paid. (That is another topic for another day) Amalah = very lucky. Muffy = very lucky. Brenna = very lucky. Me = so jealous I can't see straight sometimes. I really am. Jealous with a capital bolded J and colored in green. How did you guys get so lucky? You truly are blessed and I hope you realize that. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I once heard (or maybe it was read) someone say that people who think they can't stay at home aren't trying hard enough to make it happen. It pissed me off of course. Sometimes it really isn't possible and it sucks.

Update much?

Has anyone been waiting to hear about my first week, now 2 weeks at the new job?? Well, to make a long story short, I have learned more about mortgage banking in these 2 weeks than I learned in the year at the other company. I've learned 6 new computer systems and even learned how to calculate simple interest and per diems manually. I am still not 100% sure what my specific job will be, but that will come OTJ I guess.

I will be working on an end of month to end of month reporting period and will be the analyst in charge of reporting expected $$ to a large group of investors. I know without a doubt that it will be so hard, and I will be working late a lot and the days will pass by quickly. Partial thumbs up on the overtime, but more so thumbsdown. I've been getting home at 5:15pm and Caroline has been going to sleep around 7:30. Not much time to spend with the one great thing in my life. I hope my new coworkers understand that I can't stay at work like they can and do. There are days when I will have to leave ASAP b/c John is at work and I have to pick her up at the babysitters. There will be days like today, when I have to stay home to take care of her. It's not possible for him to miss work.

Tomorrow is Caroline's Baptism. I am excited b/c this is a very important part of her life to be. We are raising her Catholic and will give her the choice to practice whichever religion or no religion that she wants after she has been Confirmed. John and I were both given that option and we feel that it is what we want to do as well. John's sister won't be coming and I really don't know how I feel about that. He doesn't seem to care. I will never understand his family. Weird with a capital W.

Fingers are yummy!

Nothing too exciting happening here at the house. I have a week off before I start my new job. Just lots and lots of QUALITY mommy-daughter time. I love her so much and I really hate that I have to work.

She's getting so freaking big.

Standby for cuteness

Caroline is a hoot. She has so many expressions and moods. She is just discovering that she can grab on to things and put them in her mouth. Yesterday, she got a mouthfull of coupons. Yummy! Today, she was jabbering and squealing away, so John put the phone up to her mouth and they called me at work. She wouldn't let go of the phone and I swear I heard licking sounds.

Her newest thing is blowing raspberries and spit talking. Now my girls have seen this, but for anyone else, here you go.

I love it! I'm starting to wonder if I take too many pictures and videos. I haven't even started writing in her baby book and she has already done so much.

Well whatayaknow

I like almonds. Huh. I will occasionally have them on a salad at restaurants. I was craving a salad tonight for dinner so I went to WalMart and got this:

Romaine Bag o'Salad
Roasted Almond Slivers
Mandarin Oranges
Balsamic Italian Vinagerette
Pre-sliced and cooked grilled chicken strips

Also in the cart, but not on the salad...a bag of sliced apples and some strawberries and pineapple (pre-packaged of course). Oh and somecookiedoughicecreamandanUSWeekly.

ANYWAY, salad was delicious and oh so healthy. I tried a handful of almonds afterwards. YUM!! But now I have gas...do almonds cause gas?