Sunday, May 07, 2006

I beg for it everyday

I literally beg J to let me be a SAHM. I know that it is not possible, yet I still bring it up. ALL. THE. TIME. I am utterly exhausted on the weekends when he is not home and it is just me and I was completely exhausted during my week between jobs, but I want it. I want it so bad I cry about it when J isn't home. Last week he asked me to stop bringing it up. I told him that it wasn't possible.

My new job is going to require overtime and a lot of it during the first 4 days of the month. I honestly don't care. I got home at 7pm one night last week and I barely had enough time to eat a little bit of dinner, feed Caroline, give her a bath, and then put her to bed. I called J around 5:45 and told him to go ahead and make himself dinner and she was crying in the background. I started crying. On "normal" days, I only get to spend about 2.5 hours loving on those chubby cheeks when I get home. It's not enough. I mentioned it at work and my co-worker said that the guilt was there no matter how old they are. She has a 5 year old and she stayed at work until 8pm two nights in a row. No way I am going to do that. Family comes FIRST-ALWAYS. My Dad says that it is just 4 days and at least it is not everyday. He has a point, but it still doesn't matter. She is my world. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't want to miss the next big thing happening!!! What if she rolls over and I'm not there? What if she sits up for more than 3 seconds before falling over and I don't see it? No matter how I try to wrap my head around it, I can't justify it. I'll work my 8 hours and complain the whole damn time, but anytime after that has to be spent with my family. I'm a mother and a wife first. Everything else comes after that and doesn't mean half as much.

I wish I was able to work at home. I wish I had some sort of talent, like writing that would let me be here and still make some money. I wish that firefighters made more money. Putting your life on the line is worth SO MUCH MORE than what they are paid. (That is another topic for another day) Amalah = very lucky. Muffy = very lucky. Brenna = very lucky. Me = so jealous I can't see straight sometimes. I really am. Jealous with a capital bolded J and colored in green. How did you guys get so lucky? You truly are blessed and I hope you realize that. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I once heard (or maybe it was read) someone say that people who think they can't stay at home aren't trying hard enough to make it happen. It pissed me off of course. Sometimes it really isn't possible and it sucks.

1 comment:

Muffy said...

I wish I could say something reassuring. Something other than I'm sorry. I know what you feel. It totally sucks.

Just know that it isn't easy any way you do it. We're in the red money wise but it wouldn't better our situation if I worked and put him in daycare because of the cost of it.

Could you guys see a financial planner who might be able to give you suggestions on how to achieve what you want? If you saved money and invested in real estate maybe? I don't know what the market is there for real estate.