Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I'm depressed

I really think I am...again.

I am fat. Before you think it or post it-yes, I had a baby almost 7 months ago. That is a long time. I should have lost some weight by now, but I haven't. Not a single pound since my 6week PP appt. My belly is literally a jello like blob. I can't look cute in anything. I just look like the fat girl that people feel like they have to be nice to because "she is trying." Either that, or they were drunk.

I have no desire to do anything. That is why I am fat. I'm tired. I don't want to work out. And when the fock am I supposed to? I work from 8 to 5. From 5(ish) until 8:30, I spend time with my daughter. I get up at 6 and go to bed anywhere between 9:30 and midnight. When I can actually fall asleep, I try to get the most out of it. I have had to take my sleeping pills a lot lately. I just can't get my head to stop.

My face is a zit minefield. Ever since I had Caroline, every month I have zits. I wash my face more religiously than I did before. Still have nasty zits. They come at the best times too. Always when there is something to do and something to try and look nice at.

My hair is just blah. It is the best color ever though, so I probably can't complain about that.

My marriage is shit. I'm not going to go into it, but I want to cry everyday. I love him though. And no, he is not hitting me. He would never ever do that.

I hate my new job. The people that are supposed to be training me are always too busy when I have questions and my assistant manager is a bitch. She is pregnant, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to cry today. I wanted to quit today. I don't know if it because of the people or because I want to stay at home so bad.

Obviously I have no self esteem. That is most likely my problem. I would give almost anything to get a compliment from someone. I just want to feel like someone actually gives a shit about me and finds me attractive. OK, I'll be honest, I wish a man would pay attention to me.

I think I'm going to go stare at my daughter sleeping. She makes me happy.

Humph. Just got off the phone with the hubby and managed to hysterically cry for a couple minutes and tell him how much I hate my life. He must feel really good. Real life sucks ass. When did it all of a sudden get so hard and so unbelievably sad?


Laura said...

I love you!!

Karen said...


I think you're a very nice person and a dedicated mom who's doing the best you can. I'll be thinking of you.

Tiffany said...

Oh honey. I really really hate to hear this. You are an amazing woman and you deserve a wonderfully happy life. I think you should consider seeing someone to work things out. You deserve so much more.

kristin(spencerwife) said...

Sweetie, you are a fantastic person and mom!! Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself!!

Kyt said...

You are a fantatic and BEAUTIFUL woman and a wonderful mother. If you ever need to talk, I don't care about the time difference call me. Does your insurance cover mental health? If does, get yourself in and talk to someone.

And don't forget you have tons of people who love you!

jneling said...

Sweetie - You are great and doing wonderful things for Caroline. You should definitely try to talk to someone - and there are also some books that can help out a little. You deserve all the best, and deserve to be able to give your little girl the best.

Andy said...

If I could I would reach right through this screen and give you a big hug. Hang in there girl, you are a rock star and try hard to not let yourself think otherwise.