I'm depressed

I really think I am...again.

I am fat. Before you think it or post it-yes, I had a baby almost 7 months ago. That is a long time. I should have lost some weight by now, but I haven't. Not a single pound since my 6week PP appt. My belly is literally a jello like blob. I can't look cute in anything. I just look like the fat girl that people feel like they have to be nice to because "she is trying." Either that, or they were drunk.

I have no desire to do anything. That is why I am fat. I'm tired. I don't want to work out. And when the fock am I supposed to? I work from 8 to 5. From 5(ish) until 8:30, I spend time with my daughter. I get up at 6 and go to bed anywhere between 9:30 and midnight. When I can actually fall asleep, I try to get the most out of it. I have had to take my sleeping pills a lot lately. I just can't get my head to stop.

My face is a zit minefield. Ever since I had Caroline, every month I have zits. I wash my face more religiously than I did before. Still have nasty zits. They come at the best times too. Always when there is something to do and something to try and look nice at.

My hair is just blah. It is the best color ever though, so I probably can't complain about that.

My marriage is shit. I'm not going to go into it, but I want to cry everyday. I love him though. And no, he is not hitting me. He would never ever do that.

I hate my new job. The people that are supposed to be training me are always too busy when I have questions and my assistant manager is a bitch. She is pregnant, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to cry today. I wanted to quit today. I don't know if it because of the people or because I want to stay at home so bad.

Obviously I have no self esteem. That is most likely my problem. I would give almost anything to get a compliment from someone. I just want to feel like someone actually gives a shit about me and finds me attractive. OK, I'll be honest, I wish a man would pay attention to me.

I think I'm going to go stare at my daughter sleeping. She makes me happy.

Humph. Just got off the phone with the hubby and managed to hysterically cry for a couple minutes and tell him how much I hate my life. He must feel really good. Real life sucks ass. When did it all of a sudden get so hard and so unbelievably sad?

Hi! Remember me?

Yes, I am alive. I am so freaking busy. And tired. God, I am so tired.

I am neglecting pretty much everything and almost everyone in my life right now. I don't get to snark with my girls anymore b/c I don't have access at work. It' s not like I would have time anyway. I don't talk to my sister everyday anymore and I am about a week behind on TV right now. Tonight I was trying to look at some very important things on the internet and J yelled at me b/c he had Caroline all day and I was playing on the computer!! A-hole-ish! I was researching rental cars, baby gifts, and wedding gifts. Sorry! Shit needs to get done!

(Did my blog just become R-rated b/c I said shit? Ooops!!)

This entry sucks, so let me make it worth your while. Here is a link to a really cute kid (that is not mine) on The Random Muse blog. Scroll down. Don't you just want to kiss on him???

Mmmmm...carrots... 

I beg for it everyday

I literally beg J to let me be a SAHM. I know that it is not possible, yet I still bring it up. ALL. THE. TIME. I am utterly exhausted on the weekends when he is not home and it is just me and I was completely exhausted during my week between jobs, but I want it. I want it so bad I cry about it when J isn't home. Last week he asked me to stop bringing it up. I told him that it wasn't possible.

My new job is going to require overtime and a lot of it during the first 4 days of the month. I honestly don't care. I got home at 7pm one night last week and I barely had enough time to eat a little bit of dinner, feed Caroline, give her a bath, and then put her to bed. I called J around 5:45 and told him to go ahead and make himself dinner and she was crying in the background. I started crying. On "normal" days, I only get to spend about 2.5 hours loving on those chubby cheeks when I get home. It's not enough. I mentioned it at work and my co-worker said that the guilt was there no matter how old they are. She has a 5 year old and she stayed at work until 8pm two nights in a row. No way I am going to do that. Family comes FIRST-ALWAYS. My Dad says that it is just 4 days and at least it is not everyday. He has a point, but it still doesn't matter. She is my world. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't want to miss the next big thing happening!!! What if she rolls over and I'm not there? What if she sits up for more than 3 seconds before falling over and I don't see it? No matter how I try to wrap my head around it, I can't justify it. I'll work my 8 hours and complain the whole damn time, but anytime after that has to be spent with my family. I'm a mother and a wife first. Everything else comes after that and doesn't mean half as much.

I wish I was able to work at home. I wish I had some sort of talent, like writing that would let me be here and still make some money. I wish that firefighters made more money. Putting your life on the line is worth SO MUCH MORE than what they are paid. (That is another topic for another day) Amalah = very lucky. Muffy = very lucky. Brenna = very lucky. Me = so jealous I can't see straight sometimes. I really am. Jealous with a capital bolded J and colored in green. How did you guys get so lucky? You truly are blessed and I hope you realize that. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I once heard (or maybe it was read) someone say that people who think they can't stay at home aren't trying hard enough to make it happen. It pissed me off of course. Sometimes it really isn't possible and it sucks.