I'm depressed

I really think I am...again.

I am fat. Before you think it or post it-yes, I had a baby almost 7 months ago. That is a long time. I should have lost some weight by now, but I haven't. Not a single pound since my 6week PP appt. My belly is literally a jello like blob. I can't look cute in anything. I just look like the fat girl that people feel like they have to be nice to because "she is trying." Either that, or they were drunk.

I have no desire to do anything. That is why I am fat. I'm tired. I don't want to work out. And when the fock am I supposed to? I work from 8 to 5. From 5(ish) until 8:30, I spend time with my daughter. I get up at 6 and go to bed anywhere between 9:30 and midnight. When I can actually fall asleep, I try to get the most out of it. I have had to take my sleeping pills a lot lately. I just can't get my head to stop.

My face is a zit minefield. Ever since I had Caroline, every month I have zits. I wash my face more religiously than I did before. Still have nasty zits. They come at the best times too. Always when there is something to do and something to try and look nice at.

My hair is just blah. It is the best color ever though, so I probably can't complain about that.

My marriage is shit. I'm not going to go into it, but I want to cry everyday. I love him though. And no, he is not hitting me. He would never ever do that.

I hate my new job. The people that are supposed to be training me are always too busy when I have questions and my assistant manager is a bitch. She is pregnant, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to cry today. I wanted to quit today. I don't know if it because of the people or because I want to stay at home so bad.

Obviously I have no self esteem. That is most likely my problem. I would give almost anything to get a compliment from someone. I just want to feel like someone actually gives a shit about me and finds me attractive. OK, I'll be honest, I wish a man would pay attention to me.

I think I'm going to go stare at my daughter sleeping. She makes me happy.

Humph. Just got off the phone with the hubby and managed to hysterically cry for a couple minutes and tell him how much I hate my life. He must feel really good. Real life sucks ass. When did it all of a sudden get so hard and so unbelievably sad?

Hi! Remember me?

Yes, I am alive. I am so freaking busy. And tired. God, I am so tired.

I am neglecting pretty much everything and almost everyone in my life right now. I don't get to snark with my girls anymore b/c I don't have access at work. It' s not like I would have time anyway. I don't talk to my sister everyday anymore and I am about a week behind on TV right now. Tonight I was trying to look at some very important things on the internet and J yelled at me b/c he had Caroline all day and I was playing on the computer!! A-hole-ish! I was researching rental cars, baby gifts, and wedding gifts. Sorry! Shit needs to get done!

(Did my blog just become R-rated b/c I said shit? Ooops!!)

This entry sucks, so let me make it worth your while. Here is a link to a really cute kid (that is not mine) on The Random Muse blog. Scroll down. Don't you just want to kiss on him???

Mmmmm...carrots... 

I beg for it everyday

I literally beg J to let me be a SAHM. I know that it is not possible, yet I still bring it up. ALL. THE. TIME. I am utterly exhausted on the weekends when he is not home and it is just me and I was completely exhausted during my week between jobs, but I want it. I want it so bad I cry about it when J isn't home. Last week he asked me to stop bringing it up. I told him that it wasn't possible.

My new job is going to require overtime and a lot of it during the first 4 days of the month. I honestly don't care. I got home at 7pm one night last week and I barely had enough time to eat a little bit of dinner, feed Caroline, give her a bath, and then put her to bed. I called J around 5:45 and told him to go ahead and make himself dinner and she was crying in the background. I started crying. On "normal" days, I only get to spend about 2.5 hours loving on those chubby cheeks when I get home. It's not enough. I mentioned it at work and my co-worker said that the guilt was there no matter how old they are. She has a 5 year old and she stayed at work until 8pm two nights in a row. No way I am going to do that. Family comes FIRST-ALWAYS. My Dad says that it is just 4 days and at least it is not everyday. He has a point, but it still doesn't matter. She is my world. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't want to miss the next big thing happening!!! What if she rolls over and I'm not there? What if she sits up for more than 3 seconds before falling over and I don't see it? No matter how I try to wrap my head around it, I can't justify it. I'll work my 8 hours and complain the whole damn time, but anytime after that has to be spent with my family. I'm a mother and a wife first. Everything else comes after that and doesn't mean half as much.

I wish I was able to work at home. I wish I had some sort of talent, like writing that would let me be here and still make some money. I wish that firefighters made more money. Putting your life on the line is worth SO MUCH MORE than what they are paid. (That is another topic for another day) Amalah = very lucky. Muffy = very lucky. Brenna = very lucky. Me = so jealous I can't see straight sometimes. I really am. Jealous with a capital bolded J and colored in green. How did you guys get so lucky? You truly are blessed and I hope you realize that. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I once heard (or maybe it was read) someone say that people who think they can't stay at home aren't trying hard enough to make it happen. It pissed me off of course. Sometimes it really isn't possible and it sucks.

Update much?

Has anyone been waiting to hear about my first week, now 2 weeks at the new job?? Well, to make a long story short, I have learned more about mortgage banking in these 2 weeks than I learned in the year at the other company. I've learned 6 new computer systems and even learned how to calculate simple interest and per diems manually. I am still not 100% sure what my specific job will be, but that will come OTJ I guess.

I will be working on an end of month to end of month reporting period and will be the analyst in charge of reporting expected $$ to a large group of investors. I know without a doubt that it will be so hard, and I will be working late a lot and the days will pass by quickly. Partial thumbs up on the overtime, but more so thumbsdown. I've been getting home at 5:15pm and Caroline has been going to sleep around 7:30. Not much time to spend with the one great thing in my life. I hope my new coworkers understand that I can't stay at work like they can and do. There are days when I will have to leave ASAP b/c John is at work and I have to pick her up at the babysitters. There will be days like today, when I have to stay home to take care of her. It's not possible for him to miss work.

Tomorrow is Caroline's Baptism. I am excited b/c this is a very important part of her life to be. We are raising her Catholic and will give her the choice to practice whichever religion or no religion that she wants after she has been Confirmed. John and I were both given that option and we feel that it is what we want to do as well. John's sister won't be coming and I really don't know how I feel about that. He doesn't seem to care. I will never understand his family. Weird with a capital W.

Fingers are yummy!

Nothing too exciting happening here at the house. I have a week off before I start my new job. Just lots and lots of QUALITY mommy-daughter time. I love her so much and I really hate that I have to work.

She's getting so freaking big.

Standby for cuteness

Caroline is a hoot. She has so many expressions and moods. She is just discovering that she can grab on to things and put them in her mouth. Yesterday, she got a mouthfull of coupons. Yummy! Today, she was jabbering and squealing away, so John put the phone up to her mouth and they called me at work. She wouldn't let go of the phone and I swear I heard licking sounds.

Her newest thing is blowing raspberries and spit talking. Now my girls have seen this, but for anyone else, here you go.

I love it! I'm starting to wonder if I take too many pictures and videos. I haven't even started writing in her baby book and she has already done so much.

Well whatayaknow

I like almonds. Huh. I will occasionally have them on a salad at restaurants. I was craving a salad tonight for dinner so I went to WalMart and got this:

Romaine Bag o'Salad
Roasted Almond Slivers
Mandarin Oranges
Balsamic Italian Vinagerette
Pre-sliced and cooked grilled chicken strips

Also in the cart, but not on the salad...a bag of sliced apples and some strawberries and pineapple (pre-packaged of course). Oh and somecookiedoughicecreamandanUSWeekly.

ANYWAY, salad was delicious and oh so healthy. I tried a handful of almonds afterwards. YUM!! But now I have gas...do almonds cause gas?

My name is Kimberly and I'm a snoop

I admit it. I look thru DH's email occasionally. We've had real issues before, so I feel that I am justified in doing it. I managed to get into his myspace and read his mail there too. There were emails from girls at his work and they were so flirty. He is a flirt. He always has been. I just don't feel that it is very respectful to his wife and child at home.

I called him on it and now he has changed his email password and his myspace password. That makes me even more suspicious now.

I've asked him how he would feel if he read those things in my email and I was chatting with another guy like that. He says he doesn't know, but he probably wouldn't be mad. You know what? I wouldn't do that!! That's why he can't answer that question. Maybe I should do it.

Sometimes I really want him to know what it feels like all the times he has hurt my feelings.

Time is just flying by!!

At her 4 month appointment, she weighed 14lbs. 12 oz. and was 24 inches long!!!! She amazes me every single day and when I come home, I SWEAR she has gotten bigger since the day before.

Our trip to Durango

Just got back on Monday from our trip. I wouldn't call it a vacation for these reasons:
1. Going to visit your Grandma to introduce her to her FIRST great-grandchild before she passes away is not fun and very sad.
2. Walking up 2 flights of stairs at least 4 times every hour is not a vacation, it is a workout.
3. Being snowed in and not able to go shopping is kind of boring.

It started snowing on Friday while we were driving through the Indian Reservation after Albequerque (sp?), NM. It didn't stop snowing until the same place on Sunday. I love snow. I never see snow unless it is in a picture. Laura is jealous. HAHA.

John went skiing on Saturday at the Durango Mountain Resort. My Aunt, Dad, Caroline and I went to visit my Grandma in her nursing home. I knew this would be hard. I didn't know how my Dad would react and frankly, I was more worried about him. I held up the carrier so Grandma could see Caroline and she looked at her and mumbled. She can't communicate, but she KNEW who she was looking at. I cried. We went back to another room and took Caroline out of her carrier. Grandma just watched me and watched Caroline. We put her in her lap against her left arm, which is strapped to her wheelchair to help keep her propped up. She can't move her left side. Caroline just looked around and was a perfect angel. We took some pictures and my Aunt asked me to pull Caroline's sweater down. Before I could do it, Grandma reached over with her good hand and pulled it down. I can't imagine what it must be like to comprehend everything around you, but not be able to communicate back with those that love you. I hope that seeing Caroline was good for Grandma. I don't expect her to get any better b/c of this visit. If for some reason she was waiting to see Caroline and can let go, I'm OK with that too.

On Sunday, we went back to the nursing home before we left and John came with us this time. Grandma was worn out. She kept falling asleep and was having a drooling day. She has Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. I'll say it again, b/c I can't stop thinking it...I can't imagine what it must be like. I don't think I would want to live like that.

We split the drive again and stayed in Amarillo, TX on Sunday night. We arrived around 10:30pm to a RAGING wind and news of wildfires. On the drive home, we drove through smoke...or so I'm told. I was sleeping. As of right now, 11 people have died in those West Texas fires and they are still going! At 5:00 today, John told me that the fire is only 50% contained. That is not good.

I am worn out. Worn out from the drive, worn out from the emotional visit, and worn out from all the stairs. Why am I not sleeping yet?

NEW LINK

I will still post the occasional Caroline picture when her cuteness is too much not to share IMMEDIATELY, but I have added a link ------------> to her own personal website. Shutterfly has "Collections" that you can share and people can access site whenever they want!!

Feel free to bask in her cuteness and leave comments that say how cute she is. HAHA. I'm such a proud Mommy!

Trips of 2006

~Durango, CO
~Chicago, IL
~Orlando, FL
~Estes Park, CO or Las Vegas
~Belle, WV
~Myrtle Beach, SC

Yeah...4 out of the 6 probably aren't happening. When will my money tree start growing??!?!?!

My eyes!!!!

Seriously. My vision sucks so bad right now. I finally went to the eye doctor because I felt like I was straining to see while wearing my contacts. Turns out that I have astigmatism, which is the most common eye problem. The optometrist gave me some contacts with my new script, but it still feels like I am straining, so I've been wearing my glasses the past couple days. I hate it. I don't have prescription sunglasses and I don't like being in the sun without them. I probably won't get new contacts before we leave on our trip either. Bummer.

Speaking of the trip...John, Caroline and I are going to Durango, Colorado and my Dad is coming with us. This should be an interesting trip!! My Grandma is in a nursing home and not doing so well lately. Caroline is her first great-grandchild and I want her to see her in person. I know there won't be any interaction between them, but I know it is the right thing to do. It is going to be hard, because I know my Dad will cry. He's so emotional.

John is going to go skiing at Purgatory while we are there. He loves to ski and hasn't been since before we got together almost 5 years ago. He used to be a ski instructor in West Virginia. I wish that I could go with him, but I must watch the Cookie. I have actually never been skiing before. I would like to try it sometime...who knows when though.

I promise

To all those loyal "Still Standing" blog followers(haha-there are so many)...I promise to update this sometime soon.

A girl and her bear 

How to stay at home

Feel free to make your own suggestions. In fact, please do. I need more ideas.

1. Sell Yukon. Drive smaller car (scary)
2. Sell Chevy. Drive smaller car (still scary) and John can drive the Yukon
3. Sell John. He has a cute butt.
4. Sell body. Wait...that won't bring in much. Who wants a saggy boobed and saggy bellied woman?
5. Sell house...live in Yukon?
6. Take job being offered (kind of) that is closer to home and save the thousands in gas spent monthly with the commute. Pay off bills sooner.
7. Get pregnant again because John said I could stay at home if there were 2 (not counting him of course).

I love that girl

I think I love her more than John. I really do. Is that bad? I guess it is a different kind of love, so I shouldn't compare the two.

It's just the two of us tonight, well three if you count Wyatt, but he's just a dog now. Poor guy. I really do feel sorry for him. Anyway. It's just me and Caroline today because Daddy is at work. We woke up around 6:30am and ate and then went back to sleep until 10:30. I was on the couch and she was in her bouncy seat. She ate again and I took a shower. I decided to go to Chicfila for lunch because I have actually been DAYDREAMING about it at work. I think the last time I ate it was before I went back to work. It was so freaking good! The nuggets had the perfect amount of crunchies on the outside and the fries were perfect. It was all PERFECT! Even the mayo. Sigh. I'm hungry for it again. We went to Target next and bought some sleepers and a birthday present for Annmarie. She'll be 4 already on Tuesday. Time flies. Then, we got home and watched In Her Shoes. It was pretty good. The book was better. The book is ALWAYS better. Someone tell me an actual movie that was better than the book and I'll give you a virtual cookie.

Fast forward to when she is eating AGAIN. She is a little piggie these days. Well, she was just staring at me. Then she smiled around her bottle. It was the cutest thing. I can't believe that we finally had her. I love to look at her little profile. It looks exactly like her sonogram pictures. Her little nose has the slightest little upturn. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I love having a little girl. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, but I love it. I love her. Even when she screams and I can't stand it anymore, I love her...just don't tell anyone that because I make fun of my Mom when she says it.

Searching for substance

I am still on a quest to find something to talk about on here that has substance and is not baby related. HA. I'm having problems with it. My first thought is to talk about friends, so here goes...

I don't have that many real life friends. I admit it. I have a lot of acquaintances and a lot of former friends who are just acquaintances now. I probably have only 2 or 3 REAL friends in this area and one of those is my sister.

Friend:
A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade

My internet friends are the ones I turn to on a daily basis to make me laugh and to make me cry. They listen when I vent and I try to do the same for them. I can't even describe how important my Snarkies are. I can't be without them. Does that make me weird?? Maybe, but so what. It amazes me that we can have so many different types of women (and man) that have so many different backgrounds, religions, and opinions (oh the opinions!!) and we can get along most of the time.

I just wanted to say that I'm thankful for everyone no matter what.

I still feel like this post wasn't what I'm looking for...Maybe one day it will come to me. Maybe one day I will feel confident enough to share this blog with people other than my Snarks...

Ugh-Yuck-Ew

Wednesday-Have a HUGE fight with husband. HUGE. Life sucks, that is all I will say.
Thursday-Go to work-feel like crap-Go home early with fever and chills. Spend all night sweating it out and taking care of baby, hoping she doesn't get it.
Friday-The Big D...ALL...DAY...LONG...I hope I at least lost some weight.
This morning-Period watch is over. That bitch is here. I hope it doesn't suck too bad, b/c I really don't want this weekend to be any worse.

Oh and my husband just walked in and started reading this over my shoulder.

Sigh.