It's My Life

I totally suck at this updating thing

2008-10-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

Anyway...

As of Friday, I am 3 months pregnant! The little one is a hyper little thing already. Dancing for the ultrasounds.

Here's the story for those that don't know it:

We met with a RE on July 31st. He ordered a bunch of genetic testing and told us that we could maybe do one more IUI and then we should move on to IVF. He told us our chances of conceiving via IUI were smaller each time, so it was up to us how we wanted to spend our $$. The nurse told us she would contact us with the testing info and 2 weeks later, she still hadnt. After many talks, we (okay, mostly me) decided that we would be ok having only Caroline. We would be able to do do and see so much more. It wasn't our plan, but it would be fine. We decided to do a onetime try at IVF once my new infertility benefits started sometime next year.

Those talks must have been our luck or something because I started feeling horrible. Tired, zitty, hungry, and oily. Just horrible. I told one of my friends, "if I didn't know I couldn't get pregnant the old fashioned way, I'd swear I was pregnant." I bought a pregnancy test that night. I peed and 2 lines immediately showed up. Since I was not expecting a positive test, I figured the results would be a plus sign and line in the control window. I went about my business and got ready to throw that sucker away when I noticed that the tests on the box had 2 lines. Weird. Read the directions and OMIGOD!!! I am pregnant! I immediately started sobbing.

John called me about 5 minutes later and started asking me about my vision benefits. I told him I didn't care, but did his new insurance have good maternity benefits? He didn't get it. I had to repeat it a couple times and then finally say JOHN, I'm PREGNANT!! He was shocked to say the least.

So, miracle #2 has a due date of May 8th, but will probably arrive sometime in April.

I'm pregnant!!!

2008-09-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

Surprise!

Unassisted and totally unexpected! We are insanely happy!

Another update

2008-07-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

Sigh. That about covers it.

This cycle I took an extra day of Clomid and Estrace everyday twice a day since day 3. Because of the holiday, I went in for my sono to check my follicles on day 14. That was Monday. Well, for the first time, I had 4 follicles! Exciting, but...they weren't mature enough. The nurse told me to come back the next day so we could check again. Tuesday...still not mature. Come back tomorrow for the last chance. So, this morning, I went in and they still weren't big enough. In addition, I have a ridiculously thin lining. Let's call it dismal even. Cycle cancelled. Again. Out of 5 cycles, I've only made it to insemination twice. Two have been cancelled before it even started because of cysts and now this. I have to say, this one hurts a bit more.

So, we will be going to see a reproductive endocrinologist(RE). Not to be confused of course with my plain ole regular endocrinologist. He supposedly has many more drug options and he is brutally honest. If there is no way for us to have another kid without doing IVF, he will tell us right off the bat. Here's hoping I just need to a different cocktail of drugs to shake things up. And inexpensive ones too...fingers crossed!

John and I were talking about how Caroline is even more of a miracle baby than we thought.

Surprise! We weren't even trying!

2008-06-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to say that and probably won't get the opportunity. So, I've come up with some other ways to use it.

1. Suprise! We weren't even trying. We just happened to go to the store and found the perfect comforter. The house won't be ready for months!
2. Surprise! We weren't even trying to be on time. We just always are. ALWAYS. It's annoying.
3. Surprise! We weren't even trying to have a potty trained kiddo. Well,honestly that's a lie. She peed on the couch twice last week and I can't get the smell out.
4. Suprise! We weren't even trying! I swear we were just trying to get rid of the pee stink. We didn't try to catch the apartment on fire. Who does that?
5. Surprise! We weren't even trying...Yeah...don't have any more. I don't feel that witty.

Yet another friend has gotten pregnant and it's a total suprise and they weren't trying. Blah blah blah. In case you were wondering, heck yes I am jealous. So jealous. It makes me sad. John said to me - It's just another person you can hate. I don't HATE them. I'm just green with envy, jealousy, whatever you call it.

I probably seem ungrateful or whatever. I mean, I have a beautiful little girl already. Lots of couples haven't even had 1 blessing. I don't mean to sound that way. But what I wouldn't give to have something in my life be that easy.

Another one bites the dust

2008-05-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

This was supposed to be our lucky cycle. #16 is when we conceived Caroline on our own. We have so much going on, of course we would get pregnant now. Yeah right.

Just got back from the doctor. PG test came back negative and I'm sure the beta will too. Got a sono to prepare for the next cycle and I have a big honking cyst, so no next cycle. We'll be taking #17 off.

I feel so beat down and broken. I really do.

On non-baby fronts, we sold our house and have to be out in 10 days. We are going to be apartment dwellers once again. Oh and NKOTB will be here in October.

Having another baby...

2008-04-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

is turning out to be harder than last time.

We started trying for #2 after we had a surprise positive test on Caroline's first birthday. I miscarried a couple of days later. Fast forward to December...my tubes are clear, my prolactin is OK (just a tad too high) and it's not just me with the fertility issue now.

We are apparently the perfect candidates for IUI. Both female and male factor infertility. Fun times. Today is CD 9. I took Clomid on days 3-7 and boy do I hate it! We go on Saturday to check my follicles and if all is well, John gives me the shot to stimulate ovulation that afternoon and then we make some babies on Monday!!! I am nervous, excited, scared. My emotions are all over the place. I'm scared of the results on Saturday. I hope I have follicles and I hope they are big enough.

So, I haven't been keeping quiet about it at work. All of my group knows that I suffer from infertility and my BOSS even knows I'm getting inseminated on Monday. How embarassing is that? But truly, deep down inside, I want to talk about it to everyone. I hold on to the hope that other people suffer from the same thing, but just don't talk about it. I wish they would. Maybe if there were enough of us that were vocal about our struggles, about the insurance, then maybe the company might care enough to pay for some of it. You'd think a big company like mine would give a shit. They don't. Although, they do pay for abortions! Doesn't that make you all tingly?

Anyway, wish us luck. Pray for us. Something. We could use some happy news. A baby and the NKOTB reunion would make for a fab summer!

Hi. I'm still here.

2008-03-07T11:00:00.001-08:00

I have the possibility of a good post forming in the back of my head, but it's a sensitive subject. Who knows when I'll post it. In the meantime, I am at home! The babysitter had surgery last week, so we are taking turns staying home from work. I love being a Mommy "during the week." It's so different. Unfortunately, it also leads to shopping!

Meningitis: My Story

2007-10-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

The title sounds all dramatic doesn't it? I guess it is in a way. There are not many times in your life when a doctor tells you that you could have died right? So, here's the story, from the beginning...

Sunday, Sept 30th - I went into work for an hour and then came home. I was tired, but when am I NOT tired? We decided to go look at some houses because we so desperately want to get out of this house. It was supposed to be a quick trip but ended up being a couple of hours. Caroline was good up until the last hour and then started getting super fussy. I just wanted to go home. I felt like crap. We got home and Caroline had a fever of 102 degrees. Again. Random fevers happen quite a bit in our house. I gave her some Motrin and then sat on the couch and started getting chills. Turns out, I had a low grade fever too. I was up all night on the couch getting the chills and then waking up soaked in sweat.

Monday, October 1st - I went into work anyway and Caroline went to daycare. Neither one of us had a fever. She was acting fine too. I, on the other hand, still felt like crap. I'm pretty sure that I had fever on and off during the day. I took some Tylenol around lunchtime and then dripped in sweat later that afternoon. My neck was hurting a bit too. Monday afternoon was my first headache. Tylenol helped. Headaches are headaches in my world. I get them A LOT. As long as the Tylenol helps, I can handle it and move on.

Tuesday, October 2nd - A day full of extreme hot flashes and headaches. There were numerous jokes about me being pregnant or in early menopause. HA! People are comedians. I still felt better than I did on Monday.

Wednesday, October 3rd - I woke up with a little headache. Popped some Tylenol and went to work. I pretty much went downhill from there. By 3pm, I was sweating, couldn't concentrate on my computer, had already had 6 Tylenol with no relief from a headache and when people talked to me, it hurt worse. I started feeling nauseaous and made several trips to the bathroom just in case. Finally, at 430, I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and said I don't feel good, I'm going home and just left. My friend Corie had visited me around 2:30 and she says now that I just wasn't myself...I barely made it home and took more Tylenol and just crashed into bed. I buried my head in a pillow and stuck another one over my head because light was starting to bother me now too. You know how you go to the doctor and they ask you to rate your pain 1-10? This headache was probably a 9. I wouldn't say 10, but truthfully, I'd never felt any pain like this before in my life. Hands down the worst headache I have ever had. I threw up a little that night and basically felt like I wanted to die. Really. I don't know how I fell asleep. I had taken all the Tylenol I could take so John ran up to the store and got some Aleve and some Mucinex. Maybe this was a really bad sinus headache. I don't remember if we actually verbalized what we thought it was...my tumor had to be growing. What else could it be?

Thursday, October 4th - I got up and took a shower, my headache was still there. I told John he was going to have to take Caroline to daycare and I wasn't going to work. I got her dressed, but lost my patience with her. I know she sensed something was wrong. I couldn't even be around her and she just cried and cried. I threw up twice that morning. Since I hadn't really eaten anything since lunchtime on Wednesday, it was mostly stomach acid. Yuck. By 10, my headache was still there and John convinced me to go to the CareNow Clinic. I did the Web Check in and still ended up waiting over an hour in the waiting room. Did I mention I drove myself? John was at school. I saw the doctor and she said I should probably go to the ER to get an MRI or CT scan because of my history and the fact that I was calling this longer than 24 hour headache with nausea and vomiting the worst one of my life. I arranged for Laura to pick up Caroline at daycare and John met me at home to drive me to the ER. I didn't have to wait long. I was surprised. I got an IV with Morphine and some Reglan. I threw up some more. I went for a CT and it came back normal per history. The doctor decided to do a lumbar puncture. I was not thrilled. Of course, I was trying to make jokes during all of this. I did feel better, but I was pretty heavily medicated. They did the LP and came back an hour later. Meningitis. WHAT?!?!?!? That was my reaction. The doctor had to say it more than once. I had white blood cells in my spinal fluid and some protein thing that I don't remember the name of and another thing that was making them think it might be bacterial meningitis. The bad one. I was admitted to the hospital and put in isolation. No one could come near me without gloves and a mask until the tests were conclusive. My first thoughts were of course of Caroline. God, I hope she didn't get this. She's so little. John is tough. He never gets sick, but I still hope he doesn't. And how the hell did I get this??? Seriously? I have no idea still. I got more morphine and was woken up periodically throughout the night for blood pressure and temp monitoring, lots and lots of blood draws and visits from the Internal Medicine doctor and the Infectious Disease doctor.

Friday, October 5th - By morning, they had determined that I had viral meningitis and told me I would be off isolation that afternoon. I talked to family and friends throughout the day. My parents ended up taking Caroline home with them on Thursday night. They kept her until Sunday. Laura was worried (and rightly so) about her and Austin. We had not seen each other, but she was in our house and drove my car, which she dubbed the "Meningitis Mobile" to pick up Caroline. Viral meningitis is not the contagious one, so we just had to keep an eye on those closest to me for any type of virus, like an ear infection. John went to school and I just hung out in my room all day. Since I got off isolation that night, we decided to have Mom and Dad bring Caroline up to see me. It was nice to see her, but I think she was scared.

My first IV had been put in the crook of my left arm and the IV stand alarm went off almost everytime I moved, so I asked them to move it on Friday night. I was on continuous IV antibiotics and fluids. I was also getting shots in my stomach to thin my blood. After several tries and one official blown IV, they stuck another one in my right forearm.

Saturday, October 6th - Still in the hospital. John spent the whole day with me. We had high hopes that I would get to go home today. Unfortunately, the headaches that I had started getting anytime I would sit or stand up were getting worse and my neck was hurting too. One of my blood tests showed that my potassium was low, so I had to take supplements for that. I felt like crap that day. But if I laid down, all was good. So, I just laid down. All the time. My IV started hurting and in aboout an hour, it had infiltrated. My arm was swollen, red, and hot. Numerous people tried to stick me again and it was decided that I was officially unstickable. The doctor agreed to DC (get rid of) my antibiotics. Thank God, because if I still had to have them, I might have had to have a central line. Not fun. So, Saturday night, I got to sleep without being connected to anything. Woohoo!!

Sunday, October 7th - The day of Laura's baby shower. We had already spoken about this starting on Friday and I told her to go ahead with it. Thank God it was more than just me hosting it. I'm so sorry I missed it. But, I got to go home!!!! I finally got discharged around 2 and my Dad brought me home. To my own bed. To my family. I was so happy. I got home and immediately laid down because my head was pounding. My daughter wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and decided that this was the perfect time to begin her Terrible Two's Tantrums. Don't things work out well?

Monday thru today - I've been trying to stay up longer everyday and as of right now, I have been upright for 2 hours and 40 minutes with no headache. I've taken a shower and put in a load of laundry. I think I could probably go back to work tomorrow, but it is Friday. What is the point? I'll just wait until I get an official all clear from my doctor on Monday and then go in. I feel pretty good. My head still occasionally hurts, but nothing bad. I get hot flashes if I need to lay down and my LP site itches a lot. But I am good. I survived "The Meningitis."

I have 6 weeks to lose 10 pounds!

2007-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

To look even remotely decent next to the fabulous Holly, I'm going to need to lose some weight. I probably should have done this for myself a long time ago, but there is nothing like a swimsuit to push you over the edge.

So, what are your recs and tried and true ways to lose this weight? Staying healthy of course. And actually eating. I have to do that. :)

A Makeover

2007-06-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Next I'll do the My Space page. Now if I could only get to work on myself...

A Short Caroline Clip

2007-04-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

A Movie Meme, Made up by Me

2007-04-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

Can you make up memes? I don't know the proper etiquette, but I'm doing it anyway. Let's see how it goes.

5 favorite movies
1. Pretty Woman
2. Dazed and Confused
3. Rudy
4. The Notebook
5. Pearl Harbor

4 favorite movie actors
1. Ben Affleck
2. Tom Hanks
3. Ewan McGregor
4. Ryan Gosling

3 favorite movie quotes
1. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." The Princess Bride
2. "Yeah but bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good." Pulp Fiction
3. "Well, color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!" Pretty Woman

2 favorite movie actresses
1. Julia Roberts
2. Jodie Foster

And 1 favorite movie memory
1. Watching Pearl Harbor on my first official date with my husband and then seeing the real Pearl Harbor on our honeymoon.

Here's something funny. After I found the quotes I wanted, I realized the movies they are from all begin with P.

I tag Laura and Lisa.

Justin Timberlake concert review

2007-03-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone and welcome to my review of the Justin Timberlake "Future Sex Love Sound" tour.

The night started off very badly. Our tickets were not sent to the Will Call Window until after 7:30pm!!! We had been waiting for 2 hours, but the band had not released their tickets yet. Yes, I said the band. We have the connections people!!!

There was a crappy no camera rule, so we had to put our cameras back in the car. BOO!!! Little did we know how much more that would suck. Thank God we had camera phones! We finally got inside and purchased our official concert t-shirts and then got some dinner. (Popcorn and a coke). We had already missed half of Pink, but that was OK. Would you like to know why???

Because we were in ROW FREAKING A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were a couple seats away from one of the stage runways and sitting right next to the floor walkway. We watched everyone go by.

Pink did some acrobatic stuff that was very cool. She is a little thing.

In between the acts, we notice a gorgeous guy walking down the walkway. Everyone was taking his picture. It was Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys. Much cuter in person ladies!!

The lights dimmed and an entourage comes running by us. It was Usher!!!!

Justin came up through the stage and sang "Future Sex Love Sounds." He was wearing a white suit and a black shirt. The man can shake his ass! He is so freaking hot.

A little while later, a tall man comes towards us. It is Dirk from the Dallas Mavericks. Laura and I got a high five and a smile. He is also cuter in person.

Timbaland came on stage and sang a bit with Justin. Then he came of the stage and started walking back and forth right in front of us!! He came over and said HEY and we shook his hand. Awesome! He is becoming a legend in the music industry. Who wants to touch my hand??

After all the big songs, Justin came on stage in just a t-shirt and pants and sat down at the keyboard/piano. He sang the first verse of Dick in a Box and laughed. That was greatness. I wish he would have sung the whole thing.

He left the stage amid the screams and walked off and hugged the guy standing on the floor right in freaking front of us!! He has a HUGE smile! They walked off and that ended one of the best nights in our lives.

Note: I do realized that I am almost 30, but so what.

A Saturday in the Life of Us....

2007-02-24T19:59:00.000-08:00

5:00 am - "Whaaaa waaaa mama I want my mama waa waa" - WHAT???? A 15-month old CANNOT speak in complete sentences. That wasn't right!
*take temperature*
5:05 am - "I told you she was saying that." Um, honey, she CANNOT be saying it. She's only 15-months old!!!! Roll back over and go to sleep for 20 more minutes.
5:30 am - Wake up to his alarm going off. Grab his pillow and roll back over.
6:20 am - Mumble a goodbye to DH.
7:15 am - And we're really up now. DAMMIT! I would love to sleep in until at least 10:00. Doesn't she realize how AWESOME it is to do that?!?!?
7:25 am - Waffle and milk ready
7:30 am - I love the last temp recall on my thermometer. So cool. Still 97.2 on Day 15.
*Backyardigans, Super Pets, much yelling and throwing things at the dog. Now that's entertainment! Poor Wyatt*
9:00 am - NAP!! Mommy gets a shower!
11:00 am - Pizza rolls and ranch for lunch. She is SOOOO my daughter. Don't judge the lunch. At least she is eating.
11:30 am - CRASH!!! Grill blows over in the wind. Unable to lift it back.
12:00 pm - Bath time! No pooping!!!
1:00 pm - Get ready to leave. Have neighbor pick up grill, put against house, take cool candle things and bug zapper into garage. Look too pretty to help and get dirty.
2:00 pm - Baby shower #1
2:45 pm - CARROTS AND DIP!!!!
5:30 pm - Late for Baby shower #2
6:00 pm - Fajitas!! Everyone loving my baby girl. She's too damn cute for her own good. I love how I was telling my neighbor that she is an absolute terror at home lately and the Terrible 2's are starting early and then Caroline decides to sit quietly on my lap without moving the whole time the Mommy and Daddy to be are opening gifts. THE WHOLE TIME!!
7:00 pm - Early bedtime for The Divine Miss C. YES!!!
7:30 pm - Watch "She's the Man" and maybe cry just a little. P.S. That Channing Tatum, Tatum Channing guy is effing hot!! My list may be getting longer.
7:35 pm - Page husband for the second time. Realize he may be on a call. Turn on radio and listen to the fire.
9:10 pm - Phone call from the fireman. He hasn't eaten dinner yet, so he will call me back. The fire was "ok."
10:00 pm - I have a blog? Maybe I should update it.
10:09 pm - Still typing.

Damn. Don't be jealous of my super kewl life.

*This post brought to you by numerous exclamation points, extremely long sentences, and RANDOM capitalization.*

Wow, I suck at this...

2007-01-29T19:21:00.001-08:00

I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I'll just do a stream of conciousness thing.

-My daughter is so smart! We follow her to her room at night at bedtime. "Time to go to bed!" and she walks to her room. It's so cute.
-The girl can put food away! Wow.
-My job is stressing me out. I have nightmares about specific loan numbers and I KNOW that when Caroline is screaming in the middle of the night that she is so frustrated with loan #12345 that she just can't sleep either. I swear I think that while I stumble to her room.
-I have had some effed up dreams lately. The latest involved my coworkers, some weird school that looked like my cube and converted to a bed, Transformers attacking us and Michael Scofield (Wentworth Miller) from Prison Break.
-Congratulations to all the newly PG Snarkie Moms! It's so exciting. What's the official baby count since we started?
-My heart breaks for you Eileen. I can't even imagine.
-Prayers for my Mom would be grateful.
-Tommy the Tumor is waking up. I can tell. Hey, J? Tommy wants to tell you that you shouldn't take it personal. He just likes to eff my body up.
-I really want my sister to get pregnant. She will make a really good Mom. I ask her for advice. She knows so much about kids.

OK...That's all for now.

Here's something to make you laugh. Laura told me we should edit it and send it in to America's Funniest Videos.

Long time no read

2006-12-06T19:25:00.001-08:00

I was inspired to do a google search a la Carolyn and came to a sad conclusion. I talk about nothing cool. But these things did come up:

Caroline Kraddick
People!! You will NOT see a picture of Kidd Kraddick's daughter here! My daughter's name is Caroline.
hock a lugee
Still wondering about the correct spelling
farrell homemade
PORN!

And now onto this month's topics....

Positive pregnancy tests. I hate them. I really feel defective. Whenever anyone (read: everyone) asks when we are having another baby they always make the statement, "It's easier to get pregnant the second time." Really? Don't think so. I have not been on birth control AT ALL and we used a condom maybe once when Caroline was 3 months or so. I get a postive pregnancy test and the next day it is negative. Just call me the queen of chemical pregnancies. It really made me think about having another baby though. I am back and forth on that one.

Friends. I have very few IRL here in Texas. I have my sister of course, Corie, Joanna (YAY!!) and many many "close acquaintances." I have my Snarks, but lately I don't feel like a part of the group anymore. It's not like it used to be and that is mostly because I am hardly on anymore. It sucks.

Teeth. Why does Caroline still only have 2? And why do my teeth not look so sparkly white? I don't even smoke anymore. OK, most of the time I don't smoke. I have been known to light up for special occasions, like drinking.

Zitty and fat. That's how I would describe myself right now. I'm miserable. The self esteem may be at an all time low.

Tommy. HA! I haven't taken my meds in almost 2 months. The doctor's office won't refill my script until I come in and I need my MRI and bloodwork to have a real visit. Can't afford it! My lack of meds is really starting to show too. I feel very slow and say the stupidest things lately. That's what happens. Maybe that explains the fat???

OK. I think I'm done.

Oh yeah, P.S. We buried our Grandma this past weekend. Laura and I had never been there before and got to see where our Grandpa (who we never met) was buried. We got to see family we hadn't seen since before either of us was married too.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!

2006-11-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of days late in blog world, but we've been busy.

My baby girl turned one last week. She's not a baby anymore. She's a TODDLER!! She is wobble walking all over the place and getting better everyday! One day soon, I promise to catch it on video and post it.

Cake, specifically the frosting part, is a big hit at our house.

I am amazed at how much she has changed in the past week. The walking, her ability to communicate, everything. She is waving bye bye and hello all the time now and not being shy like before. She gives me kisses all the time. I love it! Just today, I was getting ready to leave for lunch and waving bye bye to her. She started to cry and crawl towards me, stopped and waved at John and turned back around to crawl to me. She was going to go with me and not stay with her Daddy! It was hilarious! When she passes the pictures in the hallway, she looks and points at them EVERY TIME!!

1 year stats:
23lbs. 14 oz. (75-90 percentile)
30 3/4 in. tall (90 percentile)

Happy Birthday to my BIG GIRL!!! I love you Miss Caroline!

Here it is! It's what you've been waiting for!

2006-10-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

A post. A simple post to say Hello to my husband who checks this daily to find out what I say about him.

Hello!

Happy now?

P.S. For all you non-husband readers, Caroline said Mama. I don't know if she associates it with me, but I don't care. MAMA! Best word in the world!

Things I love about my Sweet Caroline

2006-09-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

*Walking through the door and seeing my baby girl smile as she recognizes me.

*Holding her when she falls asleep after drinking her bedtime bottle. I love the heaviness of her tired little body.

*Listening to her babble and hearing the occasional Dada and sometimes Mama.

*Pigtails! (And the more popular and easier to do ponytail too!)

*Listening to her laugh at the silly dog.

*Playing peekaboo.

*Sneaking in at night to watch her sleep...with her butt up in the air.

*Seeing the pure adoration that she has for her Daddy. He is her world. I can't even explain how much she lights up when I ask "Where's Dada?" and she looks at him.

And my most favorite thing right now...

*Sweet little baby kisses! (when she'll give them of course)

2006-09-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

It's been five years since 9/11. I was at work that day at the doctor's other office. I was by myself and there was no TV. I was listening to Kidd Kraddick in the morning and trying desperately to get something on the internet, but it was slow b/c so many people were trying to do the same. I was worried about my cousins who lived in DC. My uncle was in midair and had to land immediately. I got a hold of my Dad and we both just cried. John and I weren't married yet and had only been engaged about a month. I remember calling him and he was desperate to go up there and help. It amazes me everyday that I have one of those heroes that will run into a burning building and help.

As I held my daughter close and watched the recap on the news on Monday, all I want to do is protect her. What happened on 9/11 was a horrific moment in American history and I support ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that can and will prevent this from happening again in our lifetime and possibly to my child.

God Bless America. We are lucky to have freedom of speech and so many other things that some just don't seem to appreciate. I have read what I consider to be loads of bullshit the past couple of days and I try not to comment on it, but I can't help myself right now. I want to get in someone's face and yell, "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? HOW DARE YOU!"

As I sit here typing...

2006-08-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

*My child is hitting the baby gate and yelling at it..."Let me out!"
*My husband is in the kitchen studying for his Officer I class.
*My dog is probably pouting somewhere.
*I hear thunder!!! Does this mean rain?? Please let it mean rain!
*My baby sister is probably preparing for tomorrow, which is the first day of her third year as a first grade teacher.
*Miss Thang just started fussing...now she wants to type.

cbhmfnjrfmf,g,.gx k ,, x/// vgvv

Caroline Nicole was here!

As I sit here typing, I wonder what lies ahead for our little family...

And as I sit here typing, I miss my Snarkie girls so much more than words can describe!

Congratulations Melissa!!
I miss you Holly!!
I want to meet Baby Moo!

Dude-It's been almost a month!

2006-08-05T05:56:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I last posted. What have I done in that time you ask? I've worked. I've even worked the dreaded overtime. Not so much that it sucks, but just enough to make your househusband a little bit pissy when you get home at 7:15pm.

Also, I haven't been taking my medicine like I should. *holding out hand for a slap* Believe me, I'm getting it. My hair started falling out again, I can't stand to have J touch me, the moods are up and down, I'm forgetting a lot, and the other day there was the tiniest bit of fluid leaking out of the girls. Oh and don't forget the headaches. It was so bad yesterday that I pulled the brain tumor card at work with someone. I hadn't broadcast that news at the new job. I figured it wasn't really necessary. J and I discussed it and I am going to be super diligent about taking my medicine for the next couple weeks and THEN I will go get my MRI and bloodwork that I was supposed to get last month. Tommy the Tumor has been controlled with medication well in the past so if that is what it is, we will handle it!

In other tumor news, I was reading Predator by Patricia Cornwell the other day. Guess what? Lucy has a macroadenoma!!!! That is a bigger version of what I have. (12mm vs 7mm at Tommy's biggest) I kind of got a kick out of it because, well, you just don't hear about them that much. At that point I decided that Grey's Anatomy should have Dr. Shepherd do brain surgery on someone with a pit tumor. I wonder who I should write with my idea??

You meme, I meme, we all meme

2006-07-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

7 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Go to Paris
2. Take my daughter to Disneyworld
3. Go back to school
4. Learn to sing
5. Have another baby
6. Have a not so dramatic year
7. Become a stay at home mom

7 THINGS I CAN'T DO
1. Sing
2. Not be moody
3. Eat mac and cheese
4. Drive a stick shift
5. Think of 3 more things

7 THINGS THAT ATTRACTED ME TO MY PARTNER
1. He makes me laugh
2. Big blue eyes
3. Such a cute butt
4. Man in uniform-need I say more?
5. See #4
6. See #4
7. See #4

7 BOOKS I READ OVER AND OVER
1. Little Earthquakes
2. The Devil Wears Prada
3. Jemima J
4. All of the Left Behind series
5. She's Come Undone
6. I Know This Much Is True
7. Good In Bed

7 MOVIES THAT I LOVE
1. Pretty Woman and basically anything with Julia Roberts in it (except maybe Hook)
2. Little Mermaid
3. Friday Night Lights (Tim in boxers!!)
4. Dazed and Confused
5. The Wedding Planner
6. Armageddon
7. My sonogram video

Alright-who is left???

An update

2006-07-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hi. Still alive. Still tired. Still the same Kissy, except without that extra punch.

Seriously though, everything is about the same in my world. I am working, coming home, playing with the Cookie, putting her to bed, and occasionally talking to the hubby, then going to bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I know-YOU CAN'T STAND THE EXCITEMENT!

I need to sit down and make a list of things to blog about.

It's already been one year

2006-07-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what else to say that has not already been said so many times before. Just know that our thoughts are with you and your family Brandi. I pray that justice will soon be served to those responsible.

Things that make you go Yum

2006-06-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

*Hot fudge
*Atlanta Bread Company
*Clean baby
*Thin crust cheese pizza from Pizza Hut
*Tim McGraw
*Men in uniform
*Bailey's on ice

These are in no particular order.

Now I am hungry.

Thank you

2006-06-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

Nothing like kind words from wonderful friends to help you realize that life is not that bad.

I truly love you guys. You don't know how much my days feel empty without you.

I'm depressed

2006-05-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

I really think I am...again.

I am fat. Before you think it or post it-yes, I had a baby almost 7 months ago. That is a long time. I should have lost some weight by now, but I haven't. Not a single pound since my 6week PP appt. My belly is literally a jello like blob. I can't look cute in anything. I just look like the fat girl that people feel like they have to be nice to because "she is trying." Either that, or they were drunk.

I have no desire to do anything. That is why I am fat. I'm tired. I don't want to work out. And when the fock am I supposed to? I work from 8 to 5. From 5(ish) until 8:30, I spend time with my daughter. I get up at 6 and go to bed anywhere between 9:30 and midnight. When I can actually fall asleep, I try to get the most out of it. I have had to take my sleeping pills a lot lately. I just can't get my head to stop.

My face is a zit minefield. Ever since I had Caroline, every month I have zits. I wash my face more religiously than I did before. Still have nasty zits. They come at the best times too. Always when there is something to do and something to try and look nice at.

My hair is just blah. It is the best color ever though, so I probably can't complain about that.

My marriage is shit. I'm not going to go into it, but I want to cry everyday. I love him though. And no, he is not hitting me. He would never ever do that.

I hate my new job. The people that are supposed to be training me are always too busy when I have questions and my assistant manager is a bitch. She is pregnant, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to cry today. I wanted to quit today. I don't know if it because of the people or because I want to stay at home so bad.

Obviously I have no self esteem. That is most likely my problem. I would give almost anything to get a compliment from someone. I just want to feel like someone actually gives a shit about me and finds me attractive. OK, I'll be honest, I wish a man would pay attention to me.

I think I'm going to go stare at my daughter sleeping. She makes me happy.

Humph. Just got off the phone with the hubby and managed to hysterically cry for a couple minutes and tell him how much I hate my life. He must feel really good. Real life sucks ass. When did it all of a sudden get so hard and so unbelievably sad?

Hi! Remember me?

2006-05-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am alive. I am so freaking busy. And tired. God, I am so tired.

I am neglecting pretty much everything and almost everyone in my life right now. I don't get to snark with my girls anymore b/c I don't have access at work. It' s not like I would have time anyway. I don't talk to my sister everyday anymore and I am about a week behind on TV right now. Tonight I was trying to look at some very important things on the internet and J yelled at me b/c he had Caroline all day and I was playing on the computer!! A-hole-ish! I was researching rental cars, baby gifts, and wedding gifts. Sorry! Shit needs to get done!

(Did my blog just become R-rated b/c I said shit? Ooops!!)

This entry sucks, so let me make it worth your while. Here is a link to a really cute kid (that is not mine) on The Random Muse blog. Scroll down. Don't you just want to kiss on him???

2006-05-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm...carrots...

I beg for it everyday

2006-05-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

I literally beg J to let me be a SAHM. I know that it is not possible, yet I still bring it up. ALL. THE. TIME. I am utterly exhausted on the weekends when he is not home and it is just me and I was completely exhausted during my week between jobs, but I want it. I want it so bad I cry about it when J isn't home. Last week he asked me to stop bringing it up. I told him that it wasn't possible.

My new job is going to require overtime and a lot of it during the first 4 days of the month. I honestly don't care. I got home at 7pm one night last week and I barely had enough time to eat a little bit of dinner, feed Caroline, give her a bath, and then put her to bed. I called J around 5:45 and told him to go ahead and make himself dinner and she was crying in the background. I started crying. On "normal" days, I only get to spend about 2.5 hours loving on those chubby cheeks when I get home. It's not enough. I mentioned it at work and my co-worker said that the guilt was there no matter how old they are. She has a 5 year old and she stayed at work until 8pm two nights in a row. No way I am going to do that. Family comes FIRST-ALWAYS. My Dad says that it is just 4 days and at least it is not everyday. He has a point, but it still doesn't matter. She is my world. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't want to miss the next big thing happening!!! What if she rolls over and I'm not there? What if she sits up for more than 3 seconds before falling over and I don't see it? No matter how I try to wrap my head around it, I can't justify it. I'll work my 8 hours and complain the whole damn time, but anytime after that has to be spent with my family. I'm a mother and a wife first. Everything else comes after that and doesn't mean half as much.

I wish I was able to work at home. I wish I had some sort of talent, like writing that would let me be here and still make some money. I wish that firefighters made more money. Putting your life on the line is worth SO MUCH MORE than what they are paid. (That is another topic for another day) Amalah = very lucky. Muffy = very lucky. Brenna = very lucky. Me = so jealous I can't see straight sometimes. I really am. Jealous with a capital bolded J and colored in green. How did you guys get so lucky? You truly are blessed and I hope you realize that. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I once heard (or maybe it was read) someone say that people who think they can't stay at home aren't trying hard enough to make it happen. It pissed me off of course. Sometimes it really isn't possible and it sucks.

Update much?

2006-04-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

Has anyone been waiting to hear about my first week, now 2 weeks at the new job?? Well, to make a long story short, I have learned more about mortgage banking in these 2 weeks than I learned in the year at the other company. I've learned 6 new computer systems and even learned how to calculate simple interest and per diems manually. I am still not 100% sure what my specific job will be, but that will come OTJ I guess.

I will be working on an end of month to end of month reporting period and will be the analyst in charge of reporting expected $$ to a large group of investors. I know without a doubt that it will be so hard, and I will be working late a lot and the days will pass by quickly. Partial thumbs up on the overtime, but more so thumbsdown. I've been getting home at 5:15pm and Caroline has been going to sleep around 7:30. Not much time to spend with the one great thing in my life. I hope my new coworkers understand that I can't stay at work like they can and do. There are days when I will have to leave ASAP b/c John is at work and I have to pick her up at the babysitters. There will be days like today, when I have to stay home to take care of her. It's not possible for him to miss work.

Tomorrow is Caroline's Baptism. I am excited b/c this is a very important part of her life to be. We are raising her Catholic and will give her the choice to practice whichever religion or no religion that she wants after she has been Confirmed. John and I were both given that option and we feel that it is what we want to do as well. John's sister won't be coming and I really don't know how I feel about that. He doesn't seem to care. I will never understand his family. Weird with a capital W.

Fingers are yummy!

2006-04-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing too exciting happening here at the house. I have a week off before I start my new job. Just lots and lots of QUALITY mommy-daughter time. I love her so much and I really hate that I have to work.

She's getting so freaking big.

Standby for cuteness

2006-04-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

Caroline is a hoot. She has so many expressions and moods. She is just discovering that she can grab on to things and put them in her mouth. Yesterday, she got a mouthfull of coupons. Yummy! Today, she was jabbering and squealing away, so John put the phone up to her mouth and they called me at work. She wouldn't let go of the phone and I swear I heard licking sounds.

Her newest thing is blowing raspberries and spit talking. Now my girls have seen this, but for anyone else, here you go.

I love it! I'm starting to wonder if I take too many pictures and videos. I haven't even started writing in her baby book and she has already done so much.

Well whatayaknow

2006-03-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

I like almonds. Huh. I will occasionally have them on a salad at restaurants. I was craving a salad tonight for dinner so I went to WalMart and got this:

Romaine Bag o'Salad
Roasted Almond Slivers
Mandarin Oranges
Balsamic Italian Vinagerette
Pre-sliced and cooked grilled chicken strips

Also in the cart, but not on the salad...a bag of sliced apples and some strawberries and pineapple (pre-packaged of course). Oh and somecookiedoughicecreamandanUSWeekly.

ANYWAY, salad was delicious and oh so healthy. I tried a handful of almonds afterwards. YUM!! But now I have gas...do almonds cause gas?

My name is Kimberly and I'm a snoop

2006-03-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I look thru DH's email occasionally. We've had real issues before, so I feel that I am justified in doing it. I managed to get into his myspace and read his mail there too. There were emails from girls at his work and they were so flirty. He is a flirt. He always has been. I just don't feel that it is very respectful to his wife and child at home.

I called him on it and now he has changed his email password and his myspace password. That makes me even more suspicious now.

I've asked him how he would feel if he read those things in my email and I was chatting with another guy like that. He says he doesn't know, but he probably wouldn't be mad. You know what? I wouldn't do that!! That's why he can't answer that question. Maybe I should do it.

Sometimes I really want him to know what it feels like all the times he has hurt my feelings.

Time is just flying by!!

2006-03-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

At her 4 month appointment, she weighed 14lbs. 12 oz. and was 24 inches long!!!! She amazes me every single day and when I come home, I SWEAR she has gotten bigger since the day before.

Our trip to Durango

2006-03-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

Just got back on Monday from our trip. I wouldn't call it a vacation for these reasons:
1. Going to visit your Grandma to introduce her to her FIRST great-grandchild before she passes away is not fun and very sad.
2. Walking up 2 flights of stairs at least 4 times every hour is not a vacation, it is a workout.
3. Being snowed in and not able to go shopping is kind of boring.

It started snowing on Friday while we were driving through the Indian Reservation after Albequerque (sp?), NM. It didn't stop snowing until the same place on Sunday. I love snow. I never see snow unless it is in a picture. Laura is jealous. HAHA.

John went skiing on Saturday at the Durango Mountain Resort. My Aunt, Dad, Caroline and I went to visit my Grandma in her nursing home. I knew this would be hard. I didn't know how my Dad would react and frankly, I was more worried about him. I held up the carrier so Grandma could see Caroline and she looked at her and mumbled. She can't communicate, but she KNEW who she was looking at. I cried. We went back to another room and took Caroline out of her carrier. Grandma just watched me and watched Caroline. We put her in her lap against her left arm, which is strapped to her wheelchair to help keep her propped up. She can't move her left side. Caroline just looked around and was a perfect angel. We took some pictures and my Aunt asked me to pull Caroline's sweater down. Before I could do it, Grandma reached over with her good hand and pulled it down. I can't imagine what it must be like to comprehend everything around you, but not be able to communicate back with those that love you. I hope that seeing Caroline was good for Grandma. I don't expect her to get any better b/c of this visit. If for some reason she was waiting to see Caroline and can let go, I'm OK with that too.

On Sunday, we went back to the nursing home before we left and John came with us this time. Grandma was worn out. She kept falling asleep and was having a drooling day. She has Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. I'll say it again, b/c I can't stop thinking it...I can't imagine what it must be like. I don't think I would want to live like that.

We split the drive again and stayed in Amarillo, TX on Sunday night. We arrived around 10:30pm to a RAGING wind and news of wildfires. On the drive home, we drove through smoke...or so I'm told. I was sleeping. As of right now, 11 people have died in those West Texas fires and they are still going! At 5:00 today, John told me that the fire is only 50% contained. That is not good.

I am worn out. Worn out from the drive, worn out from the emotional visit, and worn out from all the stairs. Why am I not sleeping yet?

NEW LINK

2006-02-28T18:41:00.000-08:00

I will still post the occasional Caroline picture when her cuteness is too much not to share IMMEDIATELY, but I have added a link ------------> to her own personal website. Shutterfly has "Collections" that you can share and people can access site whenever they want!!

Feel free to bask in her cuteness and leave comments that say how cute she is. HAHA. I'm such a proud Mommy!

Trips of 2006

2006-02-28T18:39:00.000-08:00

~Durango, CO
~Chicago, IL
~Orlando, FL
~Estes Park, CO or Las Vegas
~Belle, WV
~Myrtle Beach, SC

Yeah...4 out of the 6 probably aren't happening. When will my money tree start growing??!?!?!

My eyes!!!!

2006-02-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

Seriously. My vision sucks so bad right now. I finally went to the eye doctor because I felt like I was straining to see while wearing my contacts. Turns out that I have astigmatism, which is the most common eye problem. The optometrist gave me some contacts with my new script, but it still feels like I am straining, so I've been wearing my glasses the past couple days. I hate it. I don't have prescription sunglasses and I don't like being in the sun without them. I probably won't get new contacts before we leave on our trip either. Bummer.

Speaking of the trip...John, Caroline and I are going to Durango, Colorado and my Dad is coming with us. This should be an interesting trip!! My Grandma is in a nursing home and not doing so well lately. Caroline is her first great-grandchild and I want her to see her in person. I know there won't be any interaction between them, but I know it is the right thing to do. It is going to be hard, because I know my Dad will cry. He's so emotional.

John is going to go skiing at Purgatory while we are there. He loves to ski and hasn't been since before we got together almost 5 years ago. He used to be a ski instructor in West Virginia. I wish that I could go with him, but I must watch the Cookie. I have actually never been skiing before. I would like to try it sometime...who knows when though.

I promise

2006-02-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

To all those loyal "Still Standing" blog followers(haha-there are so many)...I promise to update this sometime soon.

2006-02-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

A girl and her bear

How to stay at home

2006-02-18T20:19:00.000-08:00

Feel free to make your own suggestions. In fact, please do. I need more ideas.

1. Sell Yukon. Drive smaller car (scary)
2. Sell Chevy. Drive smaller car (still scary) and John can drive the Yukon
3. Sell John. He has a cute butt.
4. Sell body. Wait...that won't bring in much. Who wants a saggy boobed and saggy bellied woman?
5. Sell house...live in Yukon?
6. Take job being offered (kind of) that is closer to home and save the thousands in gas spent monthly with the commute. Pay off bills sooner.
7. Get pregnant again because John said I could stay at home if there were 2 (not counting him of course).

I love that girl

2006-02-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

I think I love her more than John. I really do. Is that bad? I guess it is a different kind of love, so I shouldn't compare the two.

It's just the two of us tonight, well three if you count Wyatt, but he's just a dog now. Poor guy. I really do feel sorry for him. Anyway. It's just me and Caroline today because Daddy is at work. We woke up around 6:30am and ate and then went back to sleep until 10:30. I was on the couch and she was in her bouncy seat. She ate again and I took a shower. I decided to go to Chicfila for lunch because I have actually been DAYDREAMING about it at work. I think the last time I ate it was before I went back to work. It was so freaking good! The nuggets had the perfect amount of crunchies on the outside and the fries were perfect. It was all PERFECT! Even the mayo. Sigh. I'm hungry for it again. We went to Target next and bought some sleepers and a birthday present for Annmarie. She'll be 4 already on Tuesday. Time flies. Then, we got home and watched In Her Shoes. It was pretty good. The book was better. The book is ALWAYS better. Someone tell me an actual movie that was better than the book and I'll give you a virtual cookie.

Fast forward to when she is eating AGAIN. She is a little piggie these days. Well, she was just staring at me. Then she smiled around her bottle. It was the cutest thing. I can't believe that we finally had her. I love to look at her little profile. It looks exactly like her sonogram pictures. Her little nose has the slightest little upturn. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I love having a little girl. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, but I love it. I love her. Even when she screams and I can't stand it anymore, I love her...just don't tell anyone that because I make fun of my Mom when she says it.

Searching for substance

2006-02-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

I am still on a quest to find something to talk about on here that has substance and is not baby related. HA. I'm having problems with it. My first thought is to talk about friends, so here goes...

I don't have that many real life friends. I admit it. I have a lot of acquaintances and a lot of former friends who are just acquaintances now. I probably have only 2 or 3 REAL friends in this area and one of those is my sister.

Friend:
A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade

My internet friends are the ones I turn to on a daily basis to make me laugh and to make me cry. They listen when I vent and I try to do the same for them. I can't even describe how important my Snarkies are. I can't be without them. Does that make me weird?? Maybe, but so what. It amazes me that we can have so many different types of women (and man) that have so many different backgrounds, religions, and opinions (oh the opinions!!) and we can get along most of the time.

I just wanted to say that I'm thankful for everyone no matter what.

I still feel like this post wasn't what I'm looking for...Maybe one day it will come to me. Maybe one day I will feel confident enough to share this blog with people other than my Snarks...

Ugh-Yuck-Ew

2006-02-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Wednesday-Have a HUGE fight with husband. HUGE. Life sucks, that is all I will say.
Thursday-Go to work-feel like crap-Go home early with fever and chills. Spend all night sweating it out and taking care of baby, hoping she doesn't get it.
Friday-The Big D...ALL...DAY...LONG...I hope I at least lost some weight.
This morning-Period watch is over. That bitch is here. I hope it doesn't suck too bad, b/c I really don't want this weekend to be any worse.

Oh and my husband just walked in and started reading this over my shoulder.

Sigh.

I'm torn

2006-02-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

Torn between 2 evils!! In between a rock and a hard place!

a.) I need to work on this jelly belly
b.) I love to eat junk food.

I have no strength whatsoever. I'm trying to be good today, or at least better than I normally am. I have not had any Coke or coffee. I have had 2 granny smith apples. I think I might need to have a bit of Coke when I go home though b/c I'm starting to get a kickin headache.

So, I was at home with the little Cookie yesterday since she is still sick and we wanted to make sure that the whole throwing up thing was related to phlegm and not something contagious. It is oh so sad to watch your baby gag and choke. BUT, it is kinda funny to hear a 3 month all try to hock a lugee. Which leads me to a question..How do you spell loogee?? See, that is 2 different ways. No idea. I've never had to type or write it.

Anyway, I did not want to leave her this morning. She looked so sweet and peaceful when she fell back asleep after her 415am bottle.

Sigh.

Monday-Monday

2006-02-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

Blah. Mondays suck. I think Mondays should become part of the weekend so they wouldn't suck so bad. Then I would hate Tuesdays, so it is a no win situation.

I finally got a pedicure this weekend!!! I haven't had one since before Caroline was born and my feet were looking nasty. "It's winter. Why does it matter?" you ask. Why...because it is 70 degrees here most days, so I am wearing my flops and my feet need to look perty. Also, because when I do wear shoes and socks, the socks get caught on my nasty heels. Ew....there's a visual for ya.

John and I were discussing the places we needed to visit this year. We are going to Durango, Colorado in March to visit my Grandma in her nursing home. I want her to see her first grandchild in person before she passes away. There won't be much interaction, but at least she will see her. Then, there is the Snarkie GTG planned in April and then the wedding at the end of May. (HURRY UP KEVIN!! Let's make it official so I can book some plane tickets!) John's 10-year reunion is this year and he's been talking to a few people on myspace.com about it, so he is leaning towards going. That's in Belle, West Virginia. We also wanted to go to Myrtle Beach this year, but I am pretty sure that will be the first cut. I think it already may be done.

Also, I'm a computer idiot and don't know how to make the cool links to things if I mention them without posting the WHOLE web address.

And another thing...to all the people who search for Caroline Kraddick and pull up my blog, HELLO!!! You better not be pervs. That whole Dateline special on Friday made me leary (spelling?) I am contemplating never introducing the computer to my Caroline. She won't be dating either.

One more...if anyone is in need of a restaurant style Rotisserie, please contact me. I want to get this thing out of my garage. Thanks.

2006-02-06T05:46:00.000-08:00

You can see the little attitude forming already.

I suck at this

2006-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

I really do suck at keeping up with this blog and writing interesting little tidbits everyday. I honestly don't have any stories to tell and nothing exciting happens to me.

Other things I suck at:
*cooking
*telling people when they hurt my feelings
*functioning with less than 5 hours sleep
*keeping my NY resolutions

My day-Beginning at the beginning
12:00am-Sleeping
1:00am-Wake up to Caroline cough-choking
2:00am-Sleeping
3:00am-See 1:00am
4:00am-Toss and turn
5:00am-Oh joy! Ten minutes of sleep!! Wake up to Caroline cough/choking and then screaming to be fed. Feed her. Take shower. Do hair & throw on some makeup. Get dressed.
6:00am-Finish getting the sitter bag together. Drop Caroline off at sitter. Hear how much she has changed. Drive to work.
7:00am-15 minutes late to work.
8-10:00am-Print and PDF numerous promissory notes. Shove pencils in eyes b/c it is so boring.
11:00am-Boring
12:00pm-DRIVE TO MCDONALDS!!!! Yell at stupid moron drivers. Eat sucky McD's and go back into work.
1:00-3:59pm-Calculate prepayment penalties for loans that converted to a fixed interest rate using the Federal Reserve statistics for the weekly H15 rates. Blah blah blah. Go to bathroom every 45 minutes throughout the day. Still no period.
4:00pm-Pick up Caroline. She only cough/choked 3 times at sitter's house. Lucky her. By her, I mean the sitter.
5:00pm-Enjoy a long bathroom visit. Still no period in case you were wondering.
6:00-7:00pm-Gossip with neighbor. Make some ranch bacon pasta. Feed baby. Change diaper.
8:00pm-Do this

There you go. I know you are jealous. You wish you had my life. Oh and today is my half birthday. Exciting stuff.

2006-01-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sure that one day she'll hate me for this

A new addition

2006-01-22T10:41:00.000-08:00

to the blog. If you will look to the right, you will see a new section devoted to my third love-celebrity gossip. I can't get enough! I recently found all the cool blogs and have listed some of my favorites. I might even add more.

Please notice the disclaimer. Occasionally, there might be a picture that isn't entirely work appropriate. There were still shots of the Colin Farrell homemade porn a couple weeks ago on one of them.

D-Listed has a TON of links to other sites.

Enjoy!!!

I'm in for a long night

2006-01-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

Doing what she does best...

Caroline has pretty much been sleeping the WHOLE DAY and when I try to get her to stay up, she's really floppy and just falls back asleep. She'll be bright-eyed around 2 a.m. I can picture it now...

John is working an extra shift today and his regular shift tomorrow. Then on Monday night, he'll be working an overnight at the surgery center. Even though our lives are completely different now, I still miss him a ton. When we go to bed at night, it is like we barely have enough energy to kiss goodnight before we both roll over and fall asleep. It's so romantic!

Today Caroline got her pics taken at Picture People. She would not smile AT ALL. She's been extra smiley everywhere else lately, so I was kind of bummed. Oh well. It's not like I don't have a MILLION pictures of her already and it's not like she will never get her pics taken professionally again. YAY for free 8x10 coupons!!

Did I mention I am waiting for my period?? I am and I hate waiting. I have no patience. It has been almost 7 weeks since I stopped breastfeeding and 2 weeks since I started taking my tumor meds. I was kinda hoping it would happen soon b/c the thought of getting pregnant again is starting to terrify me.

One day I will organize my thoughts into specific topics/posts. I'm just better at stream of consciousness writing. The randomness works for me.

Love is a beautiful thing

2006-01-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

She really is the sweetest face ever made. The past couple of days have been absolutely wonderful. My Sweet Caroline smiles at me more and more everyday and everyday, my heart grows a little bigger. OMG-it's just amazing and really hard to put into words. I love this little girl so much and I am so thankful that she is here.

Right now, she is sitting in her OW bouncer and talking to herself. She just started doing this and it cracks me up. Lots of coos and gaa noises.

I love it when people in random places comment on her. We were at the Crapper Barrell yesterday and a lady at the table next to us kept on saying how beautiful she is. SHE IS!! THANK YOU!! *insert my huge ass smile here*

And watching John with her?!?! OMG Don't even get me started. I knew I was in love with him 5 years ago when I saw him with my cousins. He is fantastic with kids and always has been. When I see him with our baby girl, my heart just melts. She smiled at him first and she already has him wrapped around her tiny little finger. That didn't take long at all. She is definitely a Daddy's Girl.

There's a whole lotta love in our house now. It's gonna be coming out the doors soon.

It's all about the numbers and competition

2006-01-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

It's all about how many times I've fed her or how many poopy diapers he's changed. It's all about who has to get up in the middle of the night however many days in a row. It's all about the next 2 nights when he won't be home at all. Eventually, it is all going to even out and eventually we will both realize that it doesn't freaking matter and has to be done anyway.

My mom and my sister have this odd little competition going. Or rather, my mom does. Laura just laughs at her. If my mom does something with Caroline or sees her and Laura doesn't-she calls her and rubs it in. Laura babysat for me on Saturday morning while I was at the dentist. When I told my mom, she seemed hurt. WTF?

Me: I'm going to the dentist at 7:30 tomorrow morning, so Laura is going to come over and watch Caroline for me.
Her: *pause*pause*pause*pause*Oh.
Me: This was last minute and she only lives 2 miles away.

Oh and my second week back at work is so much better. As much as I miss her, I think that being at work is helping me. I have to be sane to raise her right?!

And the titles magicallly appear

2006-01-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

It just took me awhile to figure out how to do it. Note to self: Blogger Help is there for a reason!

It's Saturday and I just finished my first week back at work. I am bored bored bored!! Four more people were hired since I've been gone. I do my work and then play on the Snark. AND I GET PAID FOR IT!! Suckas!

Seriously though. My first day back, I couldn't get into my computer because I forgot the password. I had to reset that and then when I got into my computer, I realized that my access had been taken away due to lack of use. Then I had to wait for all that to be fixed. You would think the boss would have taken care of some of that before I came back. She knew when it was going to happen. What she DOES do is tell me that I will be training people. I told her no. I need to retrain myself!

I've made it perfectly clear that I am only there for the money. I sit and stare at the pics in my cube and go through my shutterfly albums over and over.

Work=money=bills paid

I need to just say this over and over in my head.

2006-01-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

Pure joy!

2006-01-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

My sister thinks I have the best blog. She is totally biased. This blog really is boring as hell. It's all baby all the time! Woo freaking hoo.

We are having "a night." Today was her first day at the sitter. The sitter fed her every 2 hours. I choose to agree with Eggy that she just doesn't know her cries, but tonight SUCKS!! She has pretty much been SCREAMING since 730pm and has only eaten 2 oz since 400pm. I'm in for a long night. Poor thing sounds like she is in pain and when I tried to feed her again, she would take a couple of sucks and then start screaming. I'm worried that her throat hurts or something. That is what I have had. How do you tell if a baby's throat is inflamed???? You can't exactly say open wide. She was flailing around a lot though. Maybe she is just overtired and overstimulated from her first day??? Parenting is a lot of guessing. Wouldn't it be the best if babies could talk right out of the womb?

If she is still like this tomorrow, I will probably have John call the doctor since I will be at work.

And her feeling yucky and me being gone becomes yet ANOTHER reason why it tears me up that I have to be at that fucking place. Stupid bills, stupid work...

2005-12-31T15:03:00.000-08:00

My niece, the little piggy

2005-12-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

An uncomfortable looking family shot on Christmas Eve.

2005-12-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

I really need to update this more. That's the whole point of this right? To get my thoughts out on a daily (or every other day) basis.

Anyway...what's on my mind today?

I am sick with some awful painful chest congestion. I woke up on Christmas Day with a sore throat and it has just gotten worse every day. My poor little Caroline has a bit of it too. It sucks to hear her so congested and she really can't take anything yet.

I go back to work on Tuesday and I don't want to. I just found out half the department will be gone and all this extra work will be piled on my desk. My desk that is a mess b/c apparently some people were grazing some office supplies left out. My printer is unplugged and sitting on the other side of my cube and it just looks horrible. At least it did when I went to visit and show off the girl a couple of weeks ago. Another reason why I don't want to go back is John. He informed me the other day that he didn't plan on ever going anywhere with her. At all. WTF? She needs to be out of the house and get fresh air and see new things. It really pissed me off. Do I really want my daughter to be just pushed aside and stuck in the house all day while Daddy looks at porn? Nope. Another thing, he hardly ever changes her diaper in the middle of the night b/c HE IS TOO TIRED! What a reason! It's not about him. It is about our daughter lying in pee all night. Poor girl. What if I come home to him rushing to hide the computer history and her in the diaper from the morning? I can picture it now...

I think I have that Mommy knows best outlook. I was telling him to do something the other day and he said, "I'm just a really bad Dad." I know he isn't. He just needs to take initiative and BE one. Or let me stay home and all will be well.

2005-12-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from Caroline Nicole!

2005-12-23T10:24:00.000-08:00

I have things to do today and of course John is at work. We, for some reason, have not wrapped any gifts yet. By "we," I mean me, or so I have been told been told by the good ole DH. Thanks for the help buddy. I hate wrapping gifts. I suck at it and we don't have enough bags.

Today, I will attempt to make the Magical Mint cookies posted on the Snark by JJ or EE, I don't remember. Tomorrow I will make a cherry pie before we leave for Mom and Dad's. I also have some laundry to do. I just got spit up on 3 times. I hope spit up doesn't stain b/c that would SUCK! During all of this, I will attempt to keep Caroline up and to nap for no more than 3 hours at a time. She's gotta start sleeping better at night.

Maybe I can get Aunt Laura to come over tonight.

And could I post about more pointless things? Probably.

I don't know how I'm going to do it when I go back to work. I will be exhausted and I am sure there will be days that I won't even shower before going in. I hate that. I feel stinky and just plain nasty.

Must go be a Mommy. Caroline is smelling not so fresh.

2005-12-21T15:31:00.000-08:00

No more pictures please!!!

2005-12-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor today and guess what? I had high blood pressure. Sigh...it was most likely because of the massive headache I had since about 5pm yesterday and woke up with this morning, but she was still concerned. Concerned enough that I have to see my endocrinologist BEFORE I go back to work and get another MRI. She also said if I couldn't get in before I go back to work, I may need more time off. Joy.

I also scheduled my next appointment for April and my doctor laughed at me and said I was going to be pregnant again before that. I cursed her and called her evil. She again laughed as she was writing "Declined birth control" in my chart. Am I really asking for it?? I would be blessed to be pregnant again, but not so soon. I did not enjoy it at all.

I'd like to send a big "thanks" to Chong b/c I can't get that damn Chronic (what?)cles of Narnia out of my head. THANKS!!! (*note sarcasm*)

And now I am off to hold Caroline b/c she is crying again!! She just really wants to be held the past 2 days...John noticed it too. I hope she doesn't have an ear infection or anything. She is kind of stuffy and coughing and sneezing. Maybe it is just a little cold.

2005-12-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

"How is my baby doing?"

I'm fine Mom. Thank you for asking. I KNOW that she is asking about Caroline, but you know what? I hate that she calls her MY baby or MY girl. She's not yours. She's MINE!!!! I know that she is happy and everything and loves her new grandbaby, but still!!!

OK. Enough of that.

Sadly, my husband has discovered that I have a blog. He probably reads it now, so I can't bitch about him too much. Or maybe I can bitch and it would help him understand the issues at hand??? Possibly? Probably not.

I have my official six week PP appointment tomorrow. Great. I'm sure it will just be about how I can get pregnant now and be expecting my period. Fun times. The big question is...when do we want to have the next one and will it be a year and half trial again??

And speaking of the year and a half to get Baby Caroline...my Mom calls her a miracle baby. So does my friend Monica. Is she really? My mom also called her a Christmas Angel last night too. John laughed at her and said that she is more like a Thanksgiving Angel, but I guess it doesn't sound as good. If we are giving her names like that, wouldn't she be the "Roto Rooter Baby?" She was conceived b/c I got my tubes cleaned out. It just doesn't sound as cute does it?

2005-12-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

Some things about me (number to be determined later)

I saw this on JJ's blog and I thought I'd copy.
My middle name is Beth.
I have lived in Ohio, Rhode Island, Oklahoma and Texas and this was all before I was in the 4th grade.
I am Catholic.
I have more internet friends than real life friends.
I am still considered a freshman in college.
I failed swimming at the local community college. I never went to class.
At this time, I wear size 18 jeans and it kind of depresses me even though I have a reason.
I don't trust my husband 80% of the time.
My best friend is my sister.
I have a birthmark on my right pointer finger with a mole exactly in the middle of it.
I haven't had sex since October. That is a long freaking time.
I lettered in volleyball, Student Council, and National Honor Society in high school. I know... I'm kewl. :)
I've slept with more than 25 men.
I've never smoked pot or done any other illegal drug.
I'm terrified my daughter will turn out like me and then marry someone like her father. She doesn't need the drama.
The dog has been annoying the heck out of me since we brought Caroline home.
My childhood dog, Toby, is going to die soon and I am worried how my sister will take it.
My favorite movie is Pretty Woman, followed closely by Dazed and Confused.
I'm still in my PJ's and it is 2:00 in the afternoon.
I am an anal slob. Is there such a thing??
My house is a mess and I really don't care. I hate to dust.
We stopped paying our Citibank credit card bill last March.
My credit is shot since I got married.
I've had 4 cars since I met John.
I am one of the biggest snobs I know.
I wish my sister would stand up for herself more. She's tough, but doesn't show it enough.
I know nothing about being a mom and I am pretty much flying by the seat of my pants right now.
I hate it when my MIL gives me "advice" on parenting and then doesn't support my daughter's neck. It pisses me off.
I'm going to drink a beer tonight. I hope it is icy cold, b/c that's the only way I like it.

I guess it ended up being 30 things. Maybe I will think of more later.

2005-12-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

Life is tough.

2005-12-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out for the first time and away from my precious little girl. I could say I didn't cry, but I would be lying b/c I teared up and Laura & John made fun of me. Laura & I went to TGIFriday's (and put it on blast) and then to go see RENT!! Jack Daniels Seasame Chicken Strips for dinner (good) and a big ass Mudslide to drink (V. GOOD!!). RENT was OK. I give it a 3 out of 5. It was weird to listen to them just say some lines and the songs were sometimes out of order. Oh and they obviously recorded the singing elsewhere and just "matched" it to their mouths. It was badly "matched." Two things about it...1) Jesse L. Martin-I love you!! and 2) Rosario Dawson-pls don't sing anymore. I am not impressed.

I came home to a darkened house and a semi-awake husband and about 15 minutes of sleeping baby. Then I didn't get to bed until 4 am. Lovely. John got up with her around 430 b/c she wouldn't stop fussing and I just wanted to lay in my own bed!!!! He left for work about an hour later and she woke up an hour after that. We snoozed in my bed until 1100. I swear she sleeps so sweetly when she is with me.

As always, I end my post with "I should probably take a shower, but I really don't wanna."

Oh and my next post will not be about baby...I hope.

2005-12-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

The Fireman's Daughter

2005-12-15T09:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it hurts to get it out...

2005-12-15T09:15:00.002-08:00

After much thought, we decided on what to do with "daycare." A friend of mine recommended a lady that lives about a mile away for in home care. She has a drop in rate that is VERY good, so we decided to use her on the days that John works. The following day, I will drop her off next door for an hour or two until John gets home from the station. He "quit" his second job. Kind of. He will still occasionally work PRN (as needed) on some overnight shifts.

He called me today and said he's beginning to think it was a bad idea for him to give up those hours and the $$. He is all about the money. I told him that I think it is best what we are doing b/c at least one of us needs to be with her. This is an important time in her life. He came back with paying the bills off earlier, me being able to stay at home sooner, blah blah blah. I flat out told him that I would give up everything material that we own just to be at home with her. That shut him up. He was quiet for a long time and then said, "That was deep."

Stupid bills. God I want to stay at home. This sucks.

In other news...she slept from 2am until around 9 am and then fell back asleep at 945am. It is now 1120am. She must be tired. Oh and I think she may have reflux or something. She slept so much better at an angle.

I should probably go take a shower, but I really don't want to.

2005-12-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

Happy 1 month Birthday!!!

2005-12-10T07:04:00.000-08:00

Being a new mom is hard. People say it is hard, but you really don't "get it" until you are actually one. I feel so bad for her when she is screaming with all the gas pains. It makes me cry because I can't help her.

I have had such highs and lows regarding motherhood in this first month. I can't believe such a beautiful little girl came out of me. I just stare at her when she sleeps. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I am just in complete awe at her beauty. I love it when I am holding her in my arms and she just stares back at me like she knows me. I swear she is starting to smile...but then again, she has a lot of gas.

I was able to breastfeed for a total of about 3 weeks. I am dissappointed that I couldn't do it a little bit longer, but then I think about it...I am lucky that I was able to at all. My tumor doesn't seem to be an issue at this time. I'll let you know the REAL deal once I go back to the doctor for my next MRI. And switching her to formula was the best for her. She was supplemented from hour one of her life. Her blood sugar issues were so up and down in the beginning. She only started to gain weight once she was on formula 80% of the time. Stopping breastfeeding was the best thing for her, so I can make myself feel better about that.

And why is she only gassy and fussy and screaming when her Daddy is at work??? It's like she's already decided to only be good for Daddy! It's very frustrating when John is at work for 48 hours + at a time. I still need his help.

My other "low" is not being able to stay at home with her. To put it honestly, I feel like a horrible mother for not being able to and words cannot even describe the extreme jealousy I have for those that get to stay at home with their little ones. There is no way I can talk myself into feeling better about this one. Her father is barely home now as it is and then I am going to leave her in 3 short weeks. She's going to be left with people other than her Mommy and Daddy. What is that like for such a little thing that has only known the comfort that her parents can give? What if all of her important milestones happen when someone else is there and not me?

I need more time to get into a routine and to learn more Mommy things, but I'd give up all the nice things we have just to be with her all day. I'd do anything to be a SAHM.

2005-12-07T07:23:00.000-08:00

Compare...this is me

2005-12-07T07:22:00.000-08:00

Miss Caroline-Day 2-The ONLY time she has ever looked like me

2005-12-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

We went to visit my parents on Sunday night and my Mom said something that made me think. She was just staring at Caroline and kissing her face. She looked at me and asked me if I knew what that little girl does to her. My smartass self replied, "Cry?" She just looked at her and basically said that she makes her feel calm and happy. Caroline is apparently the therapy that my Mom has needed SO BADLY since Gramps died. He died almost 3 years ago and she has been so unhappy, so sad, and so constantly stressed. Dad, Laura, and I wanted her to go talk to someone, but she wouldn't do it. So, even though she annoys the crap out of me and I am sure I will complain about it many other times, I will put up with the staring and crying, and the insanely shoot me in the head annoying baby talk voice because Caroline is soothing her Grandma's troubled heart.

2005-12-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

Santa!! I know him!

2005-12-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

First-let me pat myself on the back. Items 1,2, and 4 on my list of things to do yesterday...CHECK!!!

I brought Miss Caroline up to work yesterday to show her off. During that time, she smiled and smiled in her sleep. She must have peed a ton in that short time b/c that was one of the heaviest diapers I have ever changed!!! Speaking of smiles, I swear she smiled at me this morning. WTETFY says it is a possibility. I like to think my child is extra advanced. She does have wrinkles on her forehead. :) Right now she is sitting in front of the window working on her tan. I would like for her to stay up more during the day instead of the middle of the night when Mommy needs her beauty sleep. I also put some wrist rattles on her. She keeps holding her arms straight up as if she is saying, "WTF??" Anyway, back to work...everyone loved her and said she looks like John. She does. Poor girl! I also LOVE (please note sarcasm here) to get told what to do with my child by someone who doesn't even have kids!!!!! STFU!! I realize that you should cut a baby's nails to keep them from scratching themselves. I am not ready to do that, so I am filing them. It works just fine. And you know what else??? I will cover her up with the blanket right before we go outside. She doesn't need it over her yet. Maybe she wants to look at the fabulousness that IS the office!!! Stupid people. Just tell me my kid is beautiful and keep your advice to yourself. Unless of course I ask for it.

And in non-baby related news...um....lets see....oh yeah...I think I may have to have some sex soon. Not looking forward to it.

Today's quote from me...(from the Kissy archives)
"Je je-It's the typo that became a phenomenon"

2005-12-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

The love of my life

2005-12-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

I originally started a blog right when I found out I was pregnant. I thought it would be a cool way to keep everyone informed...I did it for about 3 weeks and then deleted it. As with everything in my life, I got bored with it. SO, we will see how this goes THIS TIME, b/c I think that I will be needing an "outlet." By "outlet," I mean 'a place to complain and whine.' I hope that this blog is going to more than that. My friends say it is theraputic.

Today...my goals are as follows:
1. Take a shower before 10 am
2. Go visit my work and show off the baby
3. Go to the DMV to get the address on my license changed after 3 years and hope that they don't take a picture.
4. Make a list of people the Christmas card is going out to and begin addressing them.

Good Luck to me. Caroline is sleeping and I probably should go take a shower now, but I won't. Sadly, I have an internet addiction that will keep me here.

Kimberly's quote for the day:
"Being a mommy = not sleeping."